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Clearance Clarence: Now that Shakopee's Vikings stadium proposal is out, listen to this one

  • Blog Post by: Michael Rand
  • January 11, 2012 - 12:10 PM

Commenter Clarence Swamptown wasn't planning to write this week as he prepares for a top secret adventure that will surely be the focus of next week's guest post. But he obviously couldn't help himself. As usual, the opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence?

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This morning the mayor of Shakopee announced that his suburb is offering a site for the new Minnesota Vikings stadium. In a development that is almost too Minnesotan for belief, Shakopee’s last minute plan was apparently hatched over coffee at Perkins.

Personally, I had no idea that proposing a stadium site was that simple. I just assumed you needed multiple task forces and studies and the Pope’s blessing and whatnot. I guess I was wrong. So I called a few of my neighbors and we met at the truck stop in town to formulate our own Vikings stadium proposal. I will attach a copy of the letter we just sent to the Wilf brothers. Enjoy.
 
Dearest Mr. Mark and Zygi Wilf:
 
My name is Clarence Swamptown and I represent a consortium of landowners in rural Goodhue County. We would like you to consider our area for the new Minnesota Vikings stadium. A rough sketch is provided below:
 
 
When compared to the other sites you are considering, I believe our proposal has a number of significant advantages:
 
Space: We got lots of it. You won’t have to shoehorn a giant stadium into a small urban footprint. That old pasture is like 40 acres. We have lots of room.
 
Transportation: Most of the current proposals have limited transportation options. You can only drive to the Arden Hills or Shakopee sites. The Minneapolis proposals also have light rail. Well, our site has THREE convenient transportation options available:
 
1.       Wild Turkey Road: Okay, it’s a dirt road. And it’s narrow. But it’s a good road. My great-grandpa built that road. It’s rock solid and has very few washboards. And it’s only super busy during harvest or planting. It’s a good road.
2.       Cannon River: Downtown Cannon Falls has a place that rents canoes and inner tubes. You can float down the river, park on the shore, and then walk up to the game. Drink all you want! (Maybe wear a life jacket? Or don’t. I’m not your mom.)
3.       Cannon Valley Bike Trail: The bike trail would pass right by the stadium. I could even set up a bunch of fence posts so people can lock up their bikes. I’m not into all of that personal health stuff, but whatever man.
 
Environmental Cleanup:  The Arden Hills site requires millions of dollars in pollution abatement. Once I shovel up a few cow-pies and get rid of that old field cultivator, our site is pretty much good-to-go.
 
Entertainment Options: I know you guys are looking for expanded retail opportunities surrounding any potential stadium site. Let’s think outside of the box for a minute. You know what everyone loves? Paintball. Paintball is awesome. You can setup a paintball course in the woods and charge like $5 a head. Cha-ching! (cash register sound) Also, I’m willing to turn all of my fields into tailgating lots once the crops are off. We can charge like $20 per slot and split the take.
 
Cost: I own about 160 acres. If you can promise that no one will bother my house during game days, I will to sell all of my farmland for about $10,000/acre. So that’s a cool $1.6 million. If you want to buy my house too, it is probably worth another $15,000. If you want additional land, you can negotiate with my neighbors/business associates individually.
 
This proposal took me about 35 minutes to draft. It has some rough edges. But any concerns you may have can be addressed over time. If you have any questions, or if you would like to begin the negotiation process, please contact me on the twitter at @CSwamptown. Thank you for your consideration guys. Skol.
 
Yours,
 
Clarence Swamptown, Esq.

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