According to one novel theory, the universe is actually a computer simulation. We're living in someone's machine, and we have no way of knowing.
The theory is fascinating, albeit stupid — but it does explain the weather.
The computer that runs this universe crashed last week, and they had to restore it from backups. That's when they discovered that no one had backed up the files responsible for Minnesota for two months, so they just reloaded February.
That explains A) the weather and B) the renewed discussion of taxing clothing, business services, and a broad category of items called "stuff." Currently, we just tax "things," but if they also tax "stuff," another $600 million will magically appear.
This might not be the best subject to bring up in the second week of April, given that tomorrow is National Squeal Like a Stuck Pig day for many, but here are some of the things they want to tax.
Clothing. Economic wisdom says that when you tax something you get less of it, so I don't know if this means clothing will become tighter, or pant legs will end at mid-shin.
Tattoos. Slap a big tax on getting a spider with a swastika on its belly tattooed on your face, because that person isn't going to be contributing much in the way of income tax. There's "user fees," and there's "loser fees."
Dancing lessons. Really? Teachers will just rebrand their classrooms as churches that help people attain spiritual solutions through coordinated movement, and claim tax-exempt status. The state will have to prove that Fred Astaire is not a legitimate deity, and judges hate those cases.
Online goods. Long ago the Supreme Court ruled that mail-order companies were exempt from collecting taxes unless they had a facility in the state where they did business. That ruling is now being scrutinized, because MONEY MONEY GIMME GIMME — er, because online retailing is a significant part of the economy.
Internet sales taxes are probably inevitable. The next step could be taxing things on the "Recommended" list on your Amazon page.
If none of this passes, and there are tulips in your yard tomorrow, they found the April backups.
james.lileks@startribune.com
