Whether you waved a Steelers Terrible Towel, wore a Cheesehead or just ate Cheetos, we all watched the Super Bowl commercials. Frankly, on the whole, they were way less exciting than the game.

The winners

True Brit: In a scene that could have come out of "True Grit," a grizzled tough guy saunters into an old West saloon and snarls for a Budweiser. Alas, the bartender says he's out of Bud, and the tension thickens. On cue, the Clydesdales arrive, and a bottle is slid to the tough guy. He takes a sip and suddenly bursts into Elton John's "Tiny Dancer." Before you know it, the entire bar is singing along with this tough guy. Sir Elton, here we go.

Magic dust: Easily the best of the several Doritos ads was the one in which a dude discovers that with Doritos dust left on his fingers, he can revive a dead goldfish he'd neglected to feed at his friend's apartment. Then, after he knocks over his friend's vase containing cremated ashes, what does he do? He mixes Doritos dust with the ashes and voilà -- Grandpa lives!

Mr. Bond, meet Mr. Spielberg: A man and a woman are handcuffed by a villain and he drives away in their car; then the vehicle is abducted by a helicopter with giant suction cups (play along with us) and delivered to a secret submarine in the ocean. Suddenly, a spaceship descends and absconds with the car (still with us?) and before you know it, the vehicle ends up in the Mayan pyramids. The car? Optima by Kia.

May the force be with you: A little kid in a Darth Vader costume tries unsuccessfully to assert his superpowers around the house. No luck. Until he tries to start his dad's new VW Passat. It starts. The kid is flabbergasted. Darth Vader never heard of a remote starter.

Beetlesque: A beetle scampers through the wilderness and, in the end, morphs into a silhouette of a VW Beetle.

The losers

Detroit drama: Over a minimalist beat of Eminem's hip-hop anthem "Lose Yourself," a narrator talks about the tough times of Detroit, how the city is misunderstood and how luxury is built there. At the end, Eminem, the great Detroit hero, steps out of a car and announces, "This is what we do." It was a better plug for the Motor City than for Chrysler 200.

Obfuscating Ozzy: For Best Buy's first-ever Super Bowl spot, the Richfield company paired Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Bieber talking 4G and 5G. Ozzy didn't know about "bloody G's." "What's a Bieber?" he asked. What was the point?

Are you ready for some sexism? Yes, it's a tough-guy game, but does America really need a guy telling Faith Hill about sending flowers to his lady because he admires her "rack" (his word)? Do we need a woman punching her man every time he eats something high in calories (before she throws a can of soda at him) or a guy fantasizing about sleeping with a woman (until he fantasizes instead about her can of soda)? But, Danica Patrick introducing a new hot body with Joan Rivers' head attached to it, to that I say, godaddy.com.

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