"The Price Is Right" is holding auditions at the Black Bear Casino in Carlton this Sunday. This destroys everything I had previously believed about contestant selection. I thought they chose people by observing the folks lining up to see the show and made their choices on a person's effervescent nature, peculiar clothing and likelihood to jump up and down and squeal like a 4-year-old girl who wakes up and finds a pony in her room. No. Here's what you will be judged upon:
The Come On Down audition, where you will have to run down stairs while pumping your fists over your head and screaming like your pants are on fire, without falling flat on your face. People have been training for this at home for years. Do not expect you can just show up and nail it.
You will be judged on your ability to jump up and down on the small springboards placed on Contestant Row, which are used to make people look more enthusiastic; if you bounce too hard and fly over the top and crack your head on the stage, forget it.
The Cruelty of Strategic Bidding. The person before you bid $399. You're next. Do you bid $400, the equivalent of hockey-checking someone into the glass, or establish some distance, knowing the next contestant will top you by a buck?
Not saying, "Hey, where's Bob?"
Looking pensive while calculating the price of Rice-A-Roni, even though you know it's exactly $1.39 because you tape every show and write down the prices and have someone quiz you with flash cards as well as recite the standard rates of inflation over the last four years.
Trying, and failing, to hide your disappointment when it's apparent your showcase is the loser one that doesn't have a car, but probably a pair of stupid motorcycles and a trip to glamorous Anchorage. And some luggage. Great. Likewise, you should be adept at not breaking into tears when you make your Showcase bid and the crowd groans, because you're apparently some sort of Rip Van Winkle who fell asleep when cars cost $3,000.
Good luck! And remember, all bids must be phrased in the form of a question. (They're doing "Jeopardy" auditions at the same time.)
jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/blogs/lileks
