Commenter Clarence Swamptown is here to delight you. As always, his opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the Star Tribune or RandBall. Clarence?


This week’s terrific Outstate Bar of the Week review comes to us from noted commenter daveemen:

*Outstate Bar of the Week:  Zorbaz - Crosslake, MN
What is the bar famous for?   Well, for starters, after navigating the Whitefish chain of lakes to get there, you can pull your boat straight up to the dock in the back of the bar.  It's kind of like Lake Minnetonka during the summer except the rich people are mixed with local Crosslake townies who have the misfortune of living there year round.  Zorbaz caters to those people who can't decide if they'd rather have Mexican food or pizza.  I know I have that debate all of the time, and Nacho Cheese Pizza Rolls fall pathetically short.  At Zorbaz, they provide a better option with a (surprise!) Mexican pizza.  Who would dream up such a concoction?  The salsa is a can't miss item as well.  They are one of those places that decided to replace the letter "s" with a "z" in their menu, but are completely inconsistent in doing so.  So, if you're obsessive about these things, this may not be the place for you.  If your friend has that affliction, and you want to see him/her have a meltdown, stop on in!  Also, pretty good tap list.  They boast 30 beers, and not *all* of them can possibly be Budweiser, Miller, or Coors products.
Can I watch the game there?  Yes, they have televisions around the bar, but if you are sitting at a table, there will inevitably be a pole in your view.
Can I watch the NASCAR race there?  Most likely. It *is* outstate Minnesota.  They like watching things go around in circles endlessly.
Do they have a website? Yes.  And they stick those z's everywhere. Annoying? Absolutely.
What bar games are available?  They have some arcade games around there, although most likely not fun ones since they stopped making those in the mid-90s. I'm guessing that they probably have one of those touch screen things on the bar where some creep is inevitably doing the nudie find-it game.
[Clarence’s note: Zorbaz has 9 locations in northern Minnesota, and I’ve been to all but Grand Rapidz. Furthermore, I’ve been to 12 of Minnesota’s 39 Pizza Ranch Locations, and 2 of Giovanni’s 6 locations.  My outstate pizza-chain slash line is .889/.308/.333.  I am not proud.  If any other of you fat-{redacted} can beat that please let me know.
* Country & Western Song of the Week: After watching Sunday’s Grammy Awards it occurs to me that people really like it when female country artists sing about drunken late-night hookups.   There are lots of those songs in country music, so let’s give the people what they want.  CLASSIC: It’s All Wrong, But It’s All Right by Dolly Parton. CONTEMPORARY: Last Call by Lee Ann Womack. PARADOXICAL: Alison Krauss’ tiny angelic voice saying some rather dirty things in Let Me Touch You For Awhile.
* Tsuyoshi Nishioka Quotes Of The Week, As Reported By The Japanese Media And Then Clumsily Filtered Through an Online Translator:  Newly acquired infielder Tsuyoshi Nishioka is the best candidate to become the 2011 Minnesota Twins’ Meme of the Year, if only because we just don’t know anything about this guy.  He’s a clean slate.  Maybe he’ll play shortstop in a giant plastic egg?  Maybe he’ll develop an odd but understandable fear of Robby Incmikoski?  If he exhibits any type of peculiar tic, Nishioka will quickly become the Smell ‘Em or Kirby the Kestrel of 2011.  So let’s try to get to know this guy.  Exactly what is Tsuyoshi Nishioka saying to the Japanese media about his time in America? And what can we glean from his comments? I don’t speak Japanese, so the quotes I find each week will need to be run through Yahoo’s Babelfish translator. 
"There were a few things I advise myself, in that sense the result was that I'm glad," and cheeks tightened. “And good coordination in this period and vice versa in season, although I.”
You keep those cheeks tightened Tsuyoshi. 
MDPR: (an article about Tsuyoshi’s professional model wife, Naoko, in what appears to be a Japanese version of Tiger Beat):
Nishioka married professional baseball player last July. Transfer to the big leagues with her husband in April, plans to emigrate to America in Minneapolis. "Once this month graduated from exclusive model!, So that now practically closed," he declared.
If I “declared” that my wife must close her career - if I “declared” that my wife do anything – she would roundhouse kick me in the face.  I hope that was lost in translation, otherwise good luck with that marriage over here in America, Tsuyoshi.
Encouraged by the incoming call on the eve of encouragement from the machine hit about 40 minutes. Eye color had changed. "Easy to use the right side better left open. I remember that for sure right now working on."
Tsuyoshi got a phone call from Pat Burrell that was so encouraging his eye color changed, and now he’s working on driving the ball to the right side of the infield. That’s good. That’s what Gardy wants. Keep up the good work.
* Ron Gardenhire Quote Of The Week About Tsuyoshi Nishioka as Reported in English And Then Translated to Japanese And Then Back to English:  Just in case there are any smart-aleck Japanese blog guest posters searching for weekly quotes about Tsuyoshi Nishioka from Ron Gardenhire, I’ll do the heavy lifting.
“I hope it is done in the west, I look at all the children. What has been given.”
Ron Gardenhire believes that Tsuyoshi Nishioka is the future. Teach him well, Ron, and let him lead the way. Sexual Chocolate. SEXUAL CHOCOLATE.
Your thoughts on Zorbaz, outstate pizza chain slash lines, drunken late-night country songs, and The Machine are welcome in the comments below.

Older Post

Tuesday (How much is enough for displaced Super Bowl fans?) edition: Wha' Happened?

Newer Post

Ice fishing tournament in Alexandria: 2,200 anglers and 0 fish caught