Bottled water at fine-wine prices

A story in this fine paper reported that the state of Minnesota spent almost half a million dollars on bottled water last year. New Mexico, which doesn't have 10,000 lakes and has a rather parch-inducing climate, spent $78,000. No, I don't expect our workers to run a bucket-brigade from a lake or boil snow, but c'mon.

Never got the appeal of the stuff, myself. It's all image. I am irrigating my tissues with purest water from an Alpine glacier that runs past a convent! This meant you were A) health-conscious, and B) wanted to impress people with the amount of money you were willing to pay for something that falls from the sky. The tide turned a few years ago, when we all became very Green, or pretended to be, and the idea of throwing away a plastic bottle was akin to wearing baby seal pelts. But they're hand-strangled, by indigenous people, not factory-raised! Sorry.

Just to put a marker down: I have no trouble with people drinking bottled water. If you want to elect politicians who ban plastic bladders of H20 in city offices, go ahead. For me, it's a matter of cost. No one begrudges a city worker a pot of coffee in the break room, but as long as we're all paying for it, is Folgers OK?

Wondering what you get for your modern water-dollar, I went to the store to investigate. Herewith is my report.

Dasani: $3.29 for three liters in six bottles or $1.10 per liter. The store also had a sale on Coke -- a twelve-pack for $2.50, or roughly 60 cents per liter.

Here's the thing: Dasani is made by Coke. The disparity in price is easily explained: They take cheap, naturally occurring Coke, and use an expensive process to remove all color and flavor. This extract is then poured into Dasani, to make Diet Coke. Anything left over is sold as rust remover.

Evian: Six liters for $11.00. This was the first bottled water I ever drank. We were high school students from North Dakota, where bottled water only comes in Hamm's form, taking a train through Europe. The compartment was sweltering, and the taps spat a rusty trickle. A vendor came by selling bottles of Evian, and it was the sweetest thing I'd ever tasted. He happily exchanged our francs for lira, too. I think we paid $40 a bottle. When the water ran out they turned the heat down.

There was some German water -- it was next to the Evian, which must have made the French fluid nervous -- and it had a long name and a fat price. But it was mineral water, chock-full of dissolved solids that supposedly have therapeutic value. Some people think it's like licking a chisel. I can't see state employees sitting around the motor pool drinking German stone juice.

Fiji water: $10.99 per bottle. It's from Fiji. I would point out that water in the toilet bowls in Fiji is also from Fiji, but that goes without saying.

Aquafina: The side of the bottle flat-out admits it's from "public sources," which means it's tap water. But it's purified!

I'm waiting for the next step, where you can buy a big bag of steam: We've boiled off all the impurities.

I doubt the cities are using these brands. Every grocery store has its own brand, sold much cheaper.