Q: I am a single 24-year-old female with only one serious boyfriend under my belt and still a virgin. This isn't something I am saving on purpose; it just kind of happened. I'm not embarrassed about it at all. I am not really dating too much, but I know when I am finally dating a little more seriously that if I tell the guy he might freak out. What is a way to bring it up casually?

--Ashley

A: Then there's this weird thing I've heard guys your age say, and it sounds like you've heard it, too: If you have sex with a girl and she's a virgin, she's guaranteed to fall in love with you. As if being penetrated for the first time automatically robs you of 20 IQ points and your self-identity. Just because a man has a functioning penis doesn't mean he's worthy of a woman's total adoration.

Sure, your first will always hold a special place in your memory, because no one ever forgets their first time -- guy or girl, horrific or hilarious. I even remember the kind of condoms I bought at the town's only drugstore (Trojan-Enz Spermicidal Lubricant) in giddy anticipation of finally having my cherry popped. I also remember dumping the poor boy shortly afterward and taking someone else to prom, so there goes that stupid "first time" theory.

Not that teen romance means dick when it comes to adult relationships, anyway. Adult relationships involve open communication and respect, being honest when answering questions and being respectful of the other person's privacy. If you choose to keep the knowledge of your virginity to yourself, it's totally your right to do so. It's only mandatory to disclose our sexual past when it might put the other person at risk. Incurable and untreated sexually transmitted infections need to be put on the table before sex even takes place. The STD talk is a fine time to bring up your virginity, because it's a sweet two-fer: "I'm actually at a lower risk of sexually transmitted infections because I've never had sex." Lay that one on him if you feel it's necessary to tell him beforehand. I personally don't think it is necessary, especially since you're not part of the True Love Waits movement and sex is just something you haven't gotten around to yet.

If you're not scared or nervous about having sex -- aside from those yummy, fun butterflies everyone gets when it's time to get down -- then wait until after your experience to tell the guy it was your first time. Male performance anxiety can be triggered by just about anything. If you tell him during a hot makeout session when it looks like you're about to round third base, he might suddenly feel pressured to make your first time perfect and lose his boner for rest of the night. That stress can carry over into the next time you get together, and before you know it you're locked in a sexual malfunction loop, which is no way to kick off your sex life.

If he asks you upfront whether you've done it before, be honest. It probably means he's a little inexperienced, too, or at the very least that he's concerned for your comfort. If he doesn't ask, just let nature take its course and clue him in afterward. As far as the actual act is concerned, there's nothing easier. Just use protection, relax and have fun.

Embarrassing sex

Congratulations to Abby for winning a pair of concert tickets of her choice in exchange for her embarrassing sex story. Abby's date prematurely ejaculated during a clothed makeout session but wouldn't cop to it, making the next 20 minutes of listless kissing ridiculously awkward. She ended things two weeks later when he asked her to pick up most of the tab when they were out with his friends. Let that be a lesson, guys: A little jizz in the pants is forgivable, but a lack of chivalry is not.

  • Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn or submit anonymously at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out the juicy details!