Q: A year ago, my boyfriend and I moved to Minneapolis after four years of dating. I wasn't happy with the relationship because I felt like I had to hide who I really was, he despised my family, I like to attend social events and he's antisocial, etc. I stuck with it because of the upsides -- there was true passion and we had so many great experiences together.

We broke up two months after moving. His true priorities came out when he was forced to work 80-hour weeks and then on his one free night would go out with his friends. I was sick of being treated that way.

Immediately after, I started dating a great guy. He was smart, funny, charming and, above all, he treated me very well. A year later, I was contacted by my ex, who says he has changed and wants to start things up again. I like the relationship I'm in now, but it's a transitional one. There was no real time in between for me to decide what I really want, which everybody keeps telling me is what I need. Part of me feels like I will always wonder "what if?" about my ex, and part of me thinks the relationship I'm in now won't work because it started so soon. Would some time alone really help things, or if I'm happy with my current relationship, should I just stick with it?

A: Do yourself a favor and stop pondering what life might be like if you got back together with your ex. He sounds like the worst boyfriend ever. He hated your family and openly expressed it? That's a huge, flashing LED-light red flag, emblazoned with the words "JERK FACE." I bet he was a barrel of fun at parties, sitting in the corner swigging uppity IPA, not talking to anyone unless it was to tell them they were in the way of the TV. He also sounds like the kind of guy who resents his girlfriend's happiness so much that he occasionally cheats on her. I wouldn't be so sure all 80 hours of his workweek were spent working. A year later, he's most likely just lonely. You put up with his jerk-face antics for four years, so of course you'll put up with them again. But tigers never change their stripes, and dickheads who unload their unhappiness and insecurities on their partners never change, either. Let him be miserable, but don't allow yourself to be taken down with him.

On to your current boyfriend. He possesses all the qualities you were looking for in a man, including a tendency to treat you very well. Congratulations on your great catch! Now ask yourself where he's lacking. What problems do you foresee a year down the road? Is he careless with money? Does he smoke too much weed? Does he hate sci-fi? If you're seriously considering whether or not to kill the relationship, then I'd start by zeroing in on its weaknesses. If it is dying, it's almost always better to pull the plug than to make both of you needlessly suffer.

Let's say you've asked yourself those important questions about the future of your relationship, and you're perfectly happy with your man, and there are no foreseeable problems. High five! You've managed to maintain a healthy partnership for a year. That's nothing to scoff at. How you got here is unimportant. We've absorbed too much BS from Hollywood, whose themes about love are always the same: The emotionally incomplete maiden stumbles upon her romantically available Prince Charming and it's happily ever after. As if. Real people in the real world couple up when one or both of them are in some sort of transitional phase. Think about it: Between relationships, aren't we always getting over the last ex?

That said, what do you want? If you're unhappy, do something about it. If life is bliss, then roll with it. No one else should be telling you what to do, because only you know what you really want.

  • Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn or submit anonymously at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out the juicy details!