Withering glance: Characters we carve up with turkey

Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, etiquette, culture, relationships, grooming and more.

RN: I see you've survived another episode of Thanksgiving With the Family. Congratulations.

CP: I love the carbs-rich holiday, and my sister puts on a great one, with an outstanding pie-to-person ratio.

RN: Ditto my sister Linda, south Minneapolis' Hostess with the Mostest. I'm lucky enough to have sprung from a relatively drama-free family of polite Lutherans. But I hear holiday horror stories from friends and I wonder: Are they kidding?

CP: Like any good play, holiday gatherings come with a meaty cast of characters. This list can be boiled down to the most memorable types. There's always the uncle who insists on pinching food from communal serving vessels with his fingers, which may or may not have seen the antibacterial soap in a few days.

RN: Oh, ish. Or the feuding relations. You know, siblings who once shared a bedroom but now can't breathe the same air. People, it's Thanksgiving dinner, not a nuclear-arms showdown at the U.N. Security Council. Lighten up.

CP: Here's one I love: the cute nieces who since last year have miraculously become willowy, graceful and, well, beautiful.

CP: No, it's all about the needy nonstop talker, charming in his way, who apparently forgot to pop his meds that morning. As if we needed a reason other than L-tryptophan to drop into a deep slumber after a meal.

RN: My nightmare is being seated between the oversharer, who leaves no stone unturned in a graphic recount of some gruesome medical procedure, and the motormouth politico, who works up a lather over a perceived injustice against America. Does no one remember the charm lessons of "My Fair Lady"? Mrs. Higgins would be horrified.

CP: Yes. Keep it simple, folks: No diatribes on sex, religion or politics, and please pass the stuffing. Or what about the boozehound ...

RN: Present company excluded, naturally.

CP: ... who brings no booze of their own to the party, but drinks for three? "Oh look," they'll say with feigned surprise, "there's more wine!"