Vikings shouldn't stop demands at Chicago Av. sign

The Minnesota Vikings want to change the name of Chicago Avenue. This is a reasonable request.

The Vikings' believe they should not be reminded of any cities or teams representing their divisional rivals, even by small, long-standing street signs that might not have otherwise been noticed without the Vikings' initiative.

This is highly rational. This is not — I repeat, this is not — delusional, self-important or a complete waste of time. I would argue that the Vikings have not gone far enough.

The presence of a new, state-of-the-art, publicly funded, billion-dollar stadium is only a small first step toward keeping this not-at-all-needy organization happy.

Change the name of Chicago Avenue? Of course. What could be more important? Done and done.

Let us not stop there. Let us not live in a world where our eyes and ears can be blowtorched with such offensive reminders that there are other teams in the NFL, including other teams in the NFC North division, or other cities that host NFL teams, or that may host NFL teams in the future.

If we allow any references in our state to other NFC North teams, we will slide headfirst down the slippery slope toward sporting anarchy. Anarchy, I say.

You want to help the environment? No longer may you call yours a "green" initiative. To do so is to celebrate the Green Bay Packers in the state of Minnesota, and that is not our job. That is the job of Packers fans who gather in Minneapolis to watch their team beat the Vikings almost every year.

No more "green" spaces, either. This aggression must not stand.

The surname of one of the more successful Vikings coaches in recent history must also be altered. Dennis Green will hereby be known as Dennis Clipper. Middle name: Calcutta.

Green coached an outstanding receiver whose last name referred to a green plant. No more. If you own a jersey that reads "Moss," you may feel free to charge the Minnesota Vikings for alterations.

We must not allow Division Creep to infest our beautiful city.

Motown music? It is the devil product of Detroit and must be expunged from our airwaves.

American-made cars? If they were produced by the same city that hosts the Lions, they must not be driven on our streets.

Brett Favre memorabilia? Send it east.

Ryan Longwell jerseys? Maybe you can get a package deal.

Lyon's Pub? Too close for comfort.

Old Chicago? Don't even.

Even erasing "green" from our vocabulary does not go far enough. The word "Bay" is problematic, too. Ruttger's Bay Lake Lodge? Congratulations on saving money on the letters on your future signs.

Which brings us to cheese — curdled mother's milk to Wisconsinites. The enduring symbol of the Vikings' primary rival must be shunned. No more cheeseburgers for Minnesotans, and fondue is now a felony.

Of course, even these steps may not be enough for our never-demanding NFL franchise. To erase memories of the first name of the Packers' current quarterback, no longer will Minnesotans be allowed to refer to the last name of the greatest non-enhanced home-run hitter in baseball history. He will hereby be known as Hank He Who Shall Not Be Named.

The struggle is real. The menace is looming. There can be no more important issue in our state today than the name of another city on a long-standing street sign walking distance from our new stadium, in which the Vikings generously paid for dozens and dozens of seats.

Jim Souhan's podcast can be heard at MalePatternPodcasts.com. On