Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, etiquette, culture, relationships, grooming and more.

CP: I know it seems preposterous, but I'm invited to a Vikings game this season.

RN: What, did you lose a bet? You do realize that you've committed yourself to attending a professional football game, right?

CP: I said I have been invited, not that I have accepted. And I never wear purple. As in jamais.

RN: I always figured you as more of a heliotrope kind of guy.

CP: There is literally nothing in the closet that is purple. I do have a vintage kimono, but it's really more of an aubergine. And besides, I'd look ridiculous wearing that to a game.

RN: You think? Don't forget that when it comes to the Vikings, the words "fans" and "Visigoths" are nearly synonymous. The Mall of America Field at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome ain't exactly the Ordway.

CP: Perhaps I need to come up with something themed but understated, like an amethyst pendant. Or a suit by Ralph Lauren Purple Label.

RN: The label is purple, the clothes are not. Have you considered giving the ticket to someone who actually knows what an RBI is? Let's face it: Anything that looks even remotely passable in purple looks better without it. Have you seen how they've tarted up the Metrodome with gigantic purple billboards? I rest my case.

CP: Why can't a city have a say-so about the color schemes of major- league teams? Things are out of hand. It's become an urban-design issue. Am I getting screechy?

RN: Heavens to Brett Favre, you really have to ask?

CP: In Green Bay, for one glaring example, the entire city -- from people to billboards, buses and malls -- has been handed over to green and gold.

RN: You say that like it's a bad thing. Think what Martha Stewart could do in the team-identity department. The Vikings -- and, therefore, the seven-county metro area -- would be swathed in flattering shades of buttercup and iris.

CP: Or, since football's a giant business, what about a distinguished charcoal gray with a nice chalkstripe in off-white? And would it kill them to find some natural fabric for the apparel, most of which seems to have been loomed at Monsanto?

RN: Now you're just being flat-out unreasonable. Where are your seats? Hopefully not within view of any of the Vikings' truly tacky typography.

CP: I know. That vile Varsity typeface, in all-caps extra bold.

RN: Here's my advice: Keep the Birgit Nilsson-doing-"Brünnhilde" getup at home. Opera jokes -- let alone drag opera jokes -- don't go over big when ensconced on the 50-yard line.

CP: Since it's opposite day, I'm getting out the blond wig with braided pigtails.

RN: Right. And here you were worried about what to wear to the big game.

E-mail: witheringglance@startribune.com.

Become a friend of Withering Glance on Facebook.