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Thank you for subscribing to the Stribune, MinneDakoToba's Oldest Information Source. In the headlines today:

Work continues on the archaeological dig at the edge of downtown Minneapolis, as teams of workers uncover the ruins of a vast stadium built in the early 21st century. "We believe it was some sort of religious structure," said one expert. "The tremendous number of bird bones indicates some sort of sacrificial ritual."

The People's Self-Governance Commission has received proposals to redesign the Nicollet Mall, which has languished in recent years. Last renovated in 2296, when six new subway stops were added to spur development, the street has been plagued with empty storefronts. Said the 35th clone of the Dayton Genetic Line: "You'd think with 1.7 million people living downtown, with more to come once Phase 6 of the HivePlex is completed, there'd be more stores."

The renovation is expected to take one year and cost 100,000 credits. The statue of Our Mary, worshiped by a fertility cult for decades until the discovery of old visual entertainment files revealed that the character was actually childless, will not be relocated.

Finally, the MinneDakoToba's Citizen Assembly will take up the issue of Sunday liquor sales, marking the 413th such attempt.

Citizen OleJohnson #415 said people used to go to Wisconsin on Sunday, "but well, you know, then there was that Mutation Plague situation, and they blew up the bridges." Hovercar traffic to Wisconsin is still prohibited and enforced by laser cannon.

People who wish to buy liquor on Sunday are now required to request use of the heavily regulated Municipal Time machine, which takes them back to the previous day, but the lines are often long, and travelers must be accompanied by a chaperon to prevent betting on sports events.

Legislators believe they can avoid the pitfalls of the previous attempt, when the bill died in committee, along with all of its sponsors after a shootout with lobbyists opposed to the measure.


jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858