The Girl Scouts are preparing the battlespace for cookie-selling season with an early release of their favorites — in personal hygiene form.
According to the Washington Post, the Girl Scouts have joined Native, a personal care-products company, to create a line of shampoos and deodorants based on cookie flavors. Because who hasn't picked up a Carmel DeLight Samoas and thought, "I wish I could grind this into my scalp." Or maybe you bit into a delicious Do-Si-Do and sighed, "If only I could apply this in topical form to my underarms."
You can get Trefoils Deodorant, so you can smell like the cookie no one knows how to properly pronounce. "Say, you give off a distinct scent of . . . tray-foils? Or is it Treff-oils?"
"It's actually teeee-refoils, and if you knew anything about buttercream-based baked goods, you wouldn't have to ask. But thanks anyway, I guess"
For $29, you can get a full complement of Thin Mint body wash, Thin Mint shampoo to remove the oils in your hair and Thin Mint conditioner to put them right back in. It's a combination of mint scent and cocoa, of course. People will ask: are you on keto or something? Because you just smell thin. But there's the risk that people would mistake you for something else.
"Say, you give off a distinct scent of a York Peppermint Patty. Did you melt some down, smear it on your skin and use it as a leg wax?"
"It's actually the mint-cocoa combo used as a fundraising product to teach young girls about commerce and empowerment, but thanks, I guess. And York spells it Pattie, not Patty."
"How can you tell how I spelled it? We're speaking. Oh, right, we're an authorial invention."
They also sell Peanut Butter deodorant, which is described as a "delicious medley." Perhaps you haven't encountered the word "delicious" in a deodorant context before. I still wouldn't put it on an English muffin. Although you could, in a pinch, use an English muffin as a dress shield. If it shed crumbs and you'd used the Trefoils shampoo, people would just assume they were cookie crumbs.
It's only a matter of time before everyone else tries this. Shampoo made from liquified Lucky Charms, or tubes of Pillsbury cinnamon-roll dough that are actually deodorant. (I don't know how they'd sell that in commercials, because the Doughboy's arms are too short for him to apply anti-perspirant to the other side of his body. He's like the T-Rex of sentient dough-based mascots.)
Salted Nut Roll mouthwash? We'd buy it. Given the amount of sugar the modern diet contains, and the way we're acclimated to adding sweetness to everything, it's a wonder we don't have Three Musketeers Ringworm Cream or Hot Tamales laxative suppositories.
I'll probably stick with what I use: Suave 6-1, which is soap, shampoo, conditioner, dishwasher rinse-cycle additive, label-glue remover and door hinge lubricant. I think it's "Cedar, Sage, and Bergamot" scented. I have no idea what Bergamot smells like.
It sounds like a minor character in a Victor Hugo novel. It must be mild, because I've never passed anyone in the skyway and heard "WHOA, someone fell out to the Bergamot tree and hit every branch on the way down."
Boy Scouts, your move. You want the Boomer demographic to buy your shampoo? Suggested scents: Four-stroke engine exhaust, old baseball mitt, top note of mimeo fluid, tangy finish of 1967-era Off! Skeeter spray. Dads would buy it by the gallon.
james.lileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • Twitter: @Lileks • facebook.com/james.lileks
