If past is a predictor, expect 2009 to be sadly predictable

As each new year approaches, I dust off my crystal ball to divine the future. Here then are my predictions for 2009. You can take them to the bank. Just don't try to cash them.

JANUARY: Unable to determine an undisputed winner of the 2008 Minnesota election, the U.S. Senate gives up and awards Sen. Amy Klobuchar two votes on every issue. "At least Minnesota has one senator who is not an embarrassment," says Ted Kennedy. "Plus, she's sharper than those other clowns put together."

FEBRUARY: Police are called when Norm Coleman and Al Franken come to blows outside a St. Paul bar, each suffering a black eye and cut lip. The cops stand by but decline to intervene. "Let 'em keep at it," one says. "It's good fun."

MARCH: The Twins trade Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau to the Yankees for a dozen balls and a case of Frosty Malts. "We have to cut costs before we move into that beautiful new stadium next season," a Twins spokesman explains. "The fans won't come to see the team. They'll come for the great outdoors. And it's not cheap to mow and water all that grass, you know. We think the fans will forget Mauer and What's-His-Name as soon as they get a whiff of the Garbage Burner."

APRIL: An Amber Alert is triggered by news reports that Carol Molnau, Minnesota's lieutenant governor, has been missing for months. The alert, however, is quietly called off by Gov. Tim Pawlenty, who tells aides: "I'm worried they might find her." Pawlenty, meanwhile, continues his hectic traveling schedule and spends every other weekend at John McCain's house in Arizona, where he is seen waxing McCain's 13 cars. "It's nice to have Tim around," McCain says. "He keeps things real spiffy."

MAY: The State Office Building collapses during ceremonies marking the end of the Minnesota Sesquicentennial celebration. "This tragedy demonstrates the futility of relying on state government to keep state government buildings up," Pawlenty says. At the same time, he announces that Minnesota has been sold to an offshore firm and that any citizens who have questions should call a taxpayer's help desk in Mumbai.

JUNE: The DFL cancels its annual Bean Feed fundraiser when all 400 of the party's candidates for governor refuse to eat beans. "I was thinking more like poached salmon," one candidate says. "Or prime rib. Something to go with a nice cabernet. But beans? Please! Beans are for poor people."

AUGUST: Michele Bachmann resigns from Congress and signs on as a lobbyist for efforts to get same-sex marriage legalized. "When I was a little girl, I wanted to be just like Anita Bryant," Bachmann says in a tearful announcement. "But after a lot of praying, I realized Jesus is a lover, not a hater. I have been horrible to gay people and I hope to make up for it by fighting against bigotry. Besides, I can't sing a lick."

SEPTEMBER: Vikings owner Zygi Wilf orders coach Brad Childress to shave his mustache. "You can't have both the owner and the coach wearing ugly 1980s mustaches," Wilf says. "Either it goes, or he does." In other news, Zygi buys the Star Tribune and renames it "Vikings Today." In a video editorial soon after the sale is completed, the paper asks why we spend so much on public schools when we can't even raise a a billion dollars for a football stadium. School kids are heckled at bus stops by angry Vikings fans. Families begin fleeing to Iowa.

OCTOBER: Local TV stations cut back on news to save money, returning to black-and-white film. The remaining three reporters wear satellite dishes on their heads and have cameras implanted in their eyeballs. When one is fried tragically while doing a live shot during an electrical storm, Al Franken is hired as a replacement. "I wasn't doing anything," he explains. "Besides, I pioneered this technology." Meanwhile, Amelia Santaniello and Frank Vascellaro have another child. Nobody cares.

NOVEMBER: Minnesota Public Radio files suit to stop St. Paul from installing sanitary sewers in front of its studios, arguing that the flushing noise -- especially at certain times, such as during halftime of the Super Bowl --will interfere with its programming. "We have supported the theory of sanitation planning since the cholera outbreak of 1878," a spokesman says. "But putting a sewer directly under our building is just not acceptable. Our listeners prefer us to use thunder mugs for that kind of thing."

DECEMBER: Jesse Ventura and his weird beard return to the public eye when the former governor mumbles to Larry King about running for governor again. No one takes him seriously until it is learned he is living on food stamps in Dellwood and hunting rabbits with his dog. Most worrisome: He does not have a book coming out. Polls show Jesse beating the GOP and DFL candidates. Bumper-to-bumper traffic, with furniture and belongings tied to the roofs of cars, streams out of Minnesota.