Dear Amy: I was so sad and embarrassed to learn that my ex-husband was involved in corporate crimes during the time we were married. Evidence revealed participation in a complex scheme that resulted in a huge settlement for the company he cheated.

I had no idea he was committing crimes right under my nose — a common scenario, as I now understand it, when it comes to wives of white-collar criminals. I quietly left the marriage and took a work assignment halfway across the country to escape his erratic behavior.

A second corporate fraud case is now on the docket. I am now wondering if I should remain silent about my departure from the marriage, or take a few proactive measures to share with those that were once in our circle of friends that I was neither aware of nor condoned such illicit acts.

From what I am reading, a divorce from a white-collar criminal is often perceived as a means for the wife to protect her interests, all the while standing by her man. I am not that person, and I am increasingly uncomfortable that this could be the perception.

What should I do?

Amy says: Because you feel so strongly about this, you should claim your own narrative, using your own words and writing down the story you want others to know.

But for now, do this only for yourself. I don't think it is wise to publicly note any details about your ex-husband's crimes until these crimes are completely settled through the courts and you receive current and competent legal advice directed only to you.

The last thing you want to do is to somehow accidentally ensnare or implicate yourself in the situation you are trying to distance yourself from.

Your actual friends know you and understand your situation. The people in your former circle who may have "perceptions" about your divorce? Didn't you leave these perceptions behind when you left your previous life behind? Because the fact is, you did leave the marriage in order to protect your own interests. And good for you.

Gift dilemma

Dear Amy: My godson is getting married soon, and because he and his fiancé live in a small apartment, they are not listed on any bridal registry. However, on their wedding website, they suggest that if guests want to make a donation to honor their wedding, to give their gift to a local clinic that performs abortions.

I will not give to an abortion clinic (my choice), but I do not condemn their choice of being pro-abortion. However, I am stunned to see them place that on their wedding invitation.

I was planning on giving them a wedding check and will be upset if it goes to an abortion clinic. What should I do?

Amy says: Many couples suggest causes for their wedding guests to donate to in their honor. Besides, clinics offering abortion services also offer many other important reproductive health services to women.

If you don't condemn this couple's stand on abortion, then surely you wouldn't condemn their choice to donate their own money toward supporting a clinic. And if you give them money for their wedding gift, this money will no longer be your money, but their money, to spend as they choose.

Sure, you could give them a non-monetary gift, say an antique gravy boat. But they could sell that and use the cash as a donation. In short, you don't have any control over what they do with your gift. If this really bothers you, give them a gift card to a restaurant, knowing full well that it's not what they want.

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