Ask Amy: Wrapped up in a hugging dispute

Dear Amy: New neighbors moved in, so I left a welcome gift on their porch. The husband texted us, inviting us to visit. My husband and I went to their house, and our children (ages 13 and 11) stayed home.

Upon entering, the husband said: "Let's get the awkward part over and hug." Hugs came in our direction, and we gave them both a hug.

During dinner he mentioned wanting to use our pool. We invited them over on a Sunday evening. The husband immediately went in to hug my younger son, who gave him an uncomfortable side hug. My older son put out his hand for a handshake. The neighbor said, "Oh, a handshake, huh?"

A few weeks later he texted, asking my son to feed their dog while they were away. He asked my son to come over so he could see where they keep the dog food, etc. I went along.

The neighbor seemed surprised that I was with my son. He came in to hug me, and I offered a side squeeze. My son stuck his hand out for a handshake. Again, the neighbor commented that my son shook his hand instead of hugging him. I was proud of my son. And glad I didn't send him alone.

While we were there, he asked my son for his cellphone number. I piped up: "You can call our landline number." He seemed surprised that I didn't readily give him my son's cell.

I keep telling myself that these neighbors are just trying too hard, but we feel uncomfortable. How can I be a kind neighbor but create space?

What concerns me is that you would rather submit to unwanted hugs from your neighbor than express — out loud — how you feel. You could say, "I should have mentioned this before, but we and our children only hug family members. So this makes us uncomfortable. We also maintain boundaries regarding contact with our kids, and we need you to respect these boundaries."

Dear Amy: My wife and I have a niece, "Cassie," who has a daughter, "Trina," who is bright, energetic, kind and beautiful.

Trina's birth father, "Thomas" was a married man with three children when he fathered her. He died by suicide very shortly after Trina's birth. My wife and I strongly believe that Thomas' parents have the right to know of their wonderful grandchild's existence, and she also deserves to know about them.

Cassie and her mother (my sister) disagree. What should we do?

Amy says: I agree with you about all parties' right to know, but — depending on Trina's age — this decision should rest with the child's mother.