Ask Amy: Sharing ex's past could help new lover

Dear Amy: I'm a woman previously in a relationship with a man for more than 10 years that ended badly.

Toward the end of the relationship, I kept catching him in lies. He finally confessed to having been addicted to serious drugs. He was in a 12-step recovery program, which I wholeheartedly supported.

I asked how he'd gotten started, and he gave me answers that rang false, but I felt I had to accept his answers because talking about it made him angry.

I later discovered that he'd been sleeping with men without my knowledge, putting my sexual health in jeopardy. He also acknowledged that he is gender-fluid, which I accepted.

Nonetheless, we broke up because I felt that I could not trust him to give me honest answers. I also had learned that he had lied to his wives (he'd been married twice before).

He was not the man I first fell in love with. He had alienated me and his three adult children. By the end of our relationship, we were barely speaking.

Fast-forward three years, and he has become involved with a woman 40 years younger than himself who lives in Indonesia. He has said "it feels so right" to be with her.

Amy says: Yes, this is none of your business. But yes, you should tell this woman of your former partner's sexual history.

My caveat is that the presumption here is that the much-younger woman is vulnerable, but who knows? — maybe he's the vulnerable one. Have these two met in person? Maybe he's being catfished by a guy named Stan who lives in Milwaukee.

If you have contact with her, you should privately pass along your concerns about her sexual health. And then you should leave it — and him — alone.

Dear Amy: My niece is planning to have her wedding in Europe. I feel like this may be a bridge too far for me.

I am a divorced retiree in my 60s and prefer not to make a trip that will require a long flight, adjusting to a significant time change, costly arrangements and other challenges.

When I express my concerns to my sister (my niece's mom) about not wanting to attend such a faraway wedding, she simply says, "You have to go." I anticipate that my niece will similarly try to guilt me into going.

Is it unreasonable for me to say no? If not, how do I say no without hurting her feelings? Or do you think I should go just to keep the peace, despite my discomfort with making such a trip?

Amy says: You have to take care of yourself. That's your primary responsibility.

Now that you have raised this issue with your sister and have received her brusque response, you should deal with the bride directly.

I suggest that you write a loving note to her. Tell her, "I'm so sorry to miss your wedding, but making the trip is simply too much for me right now. I know this will be a beautiful beginning to your marriage, and I look forward to seeing photos and hearing all about it in detail when you return."