Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We both recently turned 40.
Before getting married, she had always expressed wanting to have two kids. I wanted that, too. But we put it off to gain a good financial standing.
Eventually, the inevitable questions started flying regarding when we would have kids. Over the years, my wife has gone from saying "We have dogs" to "We don't want kids." More recently, she has told others that we don't have kids because I don't want them, which could not be further from the truth.
She is now set that she is too old to have children, and bringing up the idea of adoption gets scoffed at because she believes that these kids are "problems." This has caused a huge rift in our marriage, and I don't know if it's capable of being fixed because she is unwilling to go to couples counseling or meet with adoption agencies to actually get factual info.
Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is unfair to me?
Amy says: First, to address your wife's attitude toward children who are available for adoption: She's wrong.
She obviously does not want to be a parent. She might be putting all sorts of phony roadblocks across the path to parenthood, but the answer is clear. Your wife refuses to address any deeper issues or attempt to work this out.
I strongly suggest that you find a counselor for yourself. Reviewing your history and disclosing your deep feelings about this with a neutral and compassionate person will be challenging, but also very helpful.
