Ask Amy: Kids caught in divorce war

Dear Amy: I have been divorced for 10 years, after my wife had an affair. She married the man she had the affair with. We share joint custody of our two daughters, ages 17 and 11. My ex and I have communicated only via text messaging for the last five years, and it is infrequent and only about the children.

Recently I found out through my children that their mother is getting divorced from her current husband. My youngest came downstairs crying and displayed a text from her mother's soon-to-be-ex. He told the children that she has been having an affair with a co-worker and that she has done it before (with him). Now the kids are super-mad at their mother.

I don't want to get involved in her personal life, but what this guy did by using MY kids as cannon fodder was not cool. What should I do now?

Amy says: You should keep screenshots of these texts, and instruct/urge your children to block their stepfather's number from their phones.

Convey to the kids that no adult has the right to communicate with them in this way. You do not need to offer any explanations.

Yes, the kids are angry with their mother, but the primary violation at this point was committed by the person who is attempting to weaponize your children against their mother.

You should reach out to your ex — personally or by phone (not text) — to let her know what has happened, if she doesn't know already. You could suggest that the kids might be better off staying with you full time until the stepfather is out of the household.

Dear Amy: I've been attending a small church for several years. I've gotten involved with committees, served on the board and been a financial mainstay, helping the church to keep its doors open. I sit in the pew on Sundays, my mind racing with church business and completely unable to focus on the service.

I'm seriously considering leaving this church, but I feel guilty even thinking of that. I'm wondering if you have any ideas or words of wisdom for me.

Amy says: Once you start to run an organization and become involved in its finances, personnel and building maintenance, it's a challenge to detach from these worldly concerns in order to enjoy its mission.

Pulling back on some of your duties, even temporarily, might help you to refocus. You also might want to occasionally worship at other churches. Even if you maintain your position and involvement with your church, attending services elsewhere — where you don't know anyone — can be a rewarding and renewing experience.