Ask Amy: Friend’s tie to ex causes stress

Dear Amy: I need to resolve an issue concerning my close friend, “Brian,” and my ex-girlfriend. The three of us used to socialize together. Brian told me that he has not seen her after our breakup except once, accidentally.

However, a couple of days ago, Brian volunteered to me that he recently has been patronizing the restaurant where my ex works. It is not the type of restaurant that he normally would frequent. I suspect that the only reason he goes there is because she works there.

I realize that I cannot impose my will on whom Brian chooses to associate with, but it makes me very uncomfortable that it appears that he is being untruthful. I don’t want to end my friendship, but now I can’t trust him.

If Brian wanted to have some type of relationship with my former girlfriend and if he was honest about that, then my feelings about this might have been different.

I am confused and hurt. Should I confront him, or should I just end my friendship?

Amy says: I think that you are overly invested in this situation and are speculating about what’s happening. And I think that’s because you haven’t quite left behind the relationship with your ex.

It is natural not to want your close friend associating with your former girlfriend. Even though you understand that you cannot control another person’s associations, if you are trying your hardest to stay away from someone, you want for others to respect this boundary.

Don’t hold onto your suspicion and speculation. Talk with Brian about this. Tell him that you know he has the right to maintain a friendship with your ex, but that — right now — it hurts. If he denies spending time with her, then you should choose to believe him.

Ultimately, trust is a choice, and if you lose your friendship with Brian, then your failed relationship with your ex also will have robbed you of an important friendship.

Dear Amy: My girlfriend of three years recently revealed a very deep and personal issue about me to a group of people.

We were at a party and she was drunk, but I was completely shocked and felt betrayed. This issue was one I shared with her with the understanding that I wanted to keep it private. Two people at this party are family members of mine, and they were specifically the people I did not want to tell.

She knew that this was a deep secret she was holding. She is begging for my forgiveness and says the fact that she was drunk should make this excusable. But I’m devastated and don’t want to be with her anymore.

Amy says: I think you should forgive her. I also think you should break up with her.

Being drunk might excuse you having to hold her hair while she vomits into the toilet. Being drunk is no excuse for violating your privacy and the agreement you two had.

Dear Amy: I have been with my girlfriend for two years. I work as a critical care paramedic, and I have been offered six months’ work in Australia training new paramedics.

My girlfriend has told me that if I go, it shows that I don’t love her. But I think this is a chance of a lifetime. What do you think?

Amy says: Take the job, ditch the girl.