Ask Amy: Family business becomes personal

Dear Amy: My husband and I own a small family business. We started the business with one of our sons, and he worked very hard for the first three years. But then he started slacking off, working only when (and if) he wanted.

The last 18 months he has hardly worked at all. So, after consulting counselors and a lawyer, we have decided that we must let him go.

I feel horrible that it has come to this, because he also is going through a messy divorce. Even though I think he realizes that this is ultimately his own doing, he has become distant from us — a situation made worse because there are grandchildren involved.

How do I reach out to him and stay connected and reassure him that we still love him and want a relationship? Plus, we don't want to be cut off from our grandchildren, who need our love and support during this trying time.

Amy says: I can imagine that your son might not welcome an in-depth discussion about this decision because revisiting it is to revisit his own failure. But I think you do need to talk about it — or at least convey that you are willing and available to talk about it.

I suggest that you start by affirming that you are aware that this is a tough time for him. Tell him that you hope he understands the professional choice you made, and say that you are willing to answer any questions he might have.

Affirm your love and support, and let him know that you are in his corner as he gets through this challenging time. Continue to reach out to him, even if his reaction is subdued. Invite and include your son and grandchildren in family events.

Dear Amy: I am a nurse who has worked the night shift for almost 30 years. I am able to sleep well during the day and function extremely well at work.

My problem? My mother read in a supermarket checkout-lane magazine that night shift workers are at risk for sudden death. Now she carries on when I admit that I am still working the night shift.

I have explained to her that I love my job and that I am happy with my schedule. Is there anything I can do to convince her that I feel blessed not only to be able to work this schedule, but also reap the extra pay?

Amy says: A good friend of mine recently recounted how she copes with her elderly mother's ruminating on a well-worn topic. The daughter listens, responds one time (i.e., "I know how much that bothers you ... ") and then bluntly says, "Let's talk about something else."

Dear Amy: I can relate to the letter writer who was about to get married and was torn about who should walk her down the aisle, because her father is an alcoholic and likely would drink on the day of her wedding.

Besides, as I told those who questioned me, I was not my father's property to give away. That is a custom that should be done away with.

Amy says: You made the right choice regarding your own wedding. And I completely agree with you that this convention has outlived its symbolic meaning.