Ask Amy: DNA test surprise divides siblings

Dear Amy: I did DNA ancestry testing, hoping to locate relatives of my father, who died when I was very young.

To my surprise I found out that I have a niece. I have one brother, and he is a confirmed bachelor, but apparently, he fathered a child 40 years ago.

When I told him of these DNA results, he seemed surprised. He also indicated that he had no interest in meeting or pursuing a relationship with his newfound daughter. I asked if he would object if my son and I reached out to her. He requested that we not pursue a relationship.

As the months went by, I felt a longing to meet her. Against my brother's wishes, I reached out to her, and my son and I met her for dinner. She seems to be a lovely young woman, and we mutually want to pursue a family relationship.

I would love to introduce her to my mom, her grandmother, who is 95. I think she would love to know that she has a granddaughter.

Needless to say, my brother was disappointed that I did not respect his wishes and specifically requested that I not tell our mother. I am brokenhearted about that. I still plan on seeing my niece, but I wish my brother would come around.

Do you have any suggestions?

Now you've asked him about connecting your niece with her grandmother, and he has said no. I suggest that you do so, anyway.

Given that your brother didn't know about his biological daughter's existence and has since declared that he doesn't want to have anything to do with her, I'd say that he doesn't really have any claim on her or any authority to deny other family members access to her.

The only way your brother might come around is if you continue to acknowledge and maintain a relationship with this very nice woman as a family member. I suggest that you do so openly (not keeping this a secret from him), while not pressuring or forcing a relationship onto him that he is not ready to have.

Dear Amy: I am one of a group of mothers who have been friends for a long time. Our group includes "Betty" and "Jane." Betty's daughter, "Belle" and Jane's daughter, "Jill" attend the same high school.

Belle and Jill used to be good friends but got crosswise with each other about a year ago. Then their mothers got involved. The situation has escalated into an all-out war between the two families, with accusations and counteraccusations of bullying and the involvement of the high school principal.

Do you think there is anything we can do to de-escalate the situation?

Amy says: I don't believe it is within your power to direct these warring parties to change, but you might be able to influence them to at least consider the larger consequences of this discord and its impact on their friendships.

You might draft a letter to send to both women (send the same letter to both). Without taking sides or relitigating this conflict, you could speak from your heart regarding the impact this has had on your friendship. Tell them how sad this has made you. End with, "I wish you would find a way to work this out."