Ask Amy: Divorce impacts friendships, too

Dear Amy: I am going through a divorce, and I'm having a hard time. I was with my husband for a total of 14 years. I feel lost and don't know what to do.

I've lost friends in the process. For instance, "Frank and Christie." Frank was my ex's friend, but I got close to Christie. But I never heard a word from Christie after the divorce.

Finally, she and I got together. We had too much to drink, and my mouth wouldn't stop. I told her how I was hurt that she didn't reach out to me. She's been divorced three times now, so I would think she'd know how it feels.

We made tentative plans to get together again, but she never responded to my text confirming the meeting. Three weeks after she ghosted me, she had the nerve to invite me to her son's baby gender reveal.

Part of me is telling me not to go, but part of me says to show up and act like nothing happened, but to not be close to her.

I've always been there for her when she needed to talk. I was there for her when her son passed away. But now she's acting as if I have a virus. What's your advice?

Amy says: Yes, divorce is extremely destabilizing. Friendships fall away, due to other people's own loyalties or discomfort.

Given that this woman has grieved the loss of a child, she might not have the emotional bandwidth to commiserate about your divorce.

She is inviting you to a social event. I suggest that you go, because you obviously need to make and maintain friendships; this might present an opportunity to do just that.

Dear Amy: Many of my longtime friends are now into their 80s. I moved away years ago, but we kept the tradition of exchanging Christmas and birthday gifts.

The last couple of years they have stopped sending me gifts, but I continue to do so. Receiving the gifts seems to fluster them.

I have explained to my friends that we do not need to do this anymore, but they insist that we do.

My husband thinks I should continue to send them gifts, but I think I am causing more harm than good. What are your thoughts?

Amy says: It is obvious that receiving these material gifts from you is causing these elders a lot of stress; you say as much in your question.

So, even though receiving gifts from you "flusters" these friends, and even though they clearly feel pressured to reciprocate, on you go. Stop. You are definitely causing more harm than good.

If your husband believes that it is necessary to send these gifts, then I suggest that you carry on with cards and phone calls, and if he wants to shop for and send gifts, he should go ahead and do whatever he wants.

I hope you will consider planning an in-person visit. That might be the most valuable gift of all.