Ask Amy: Cousin's help came at a cost

Dear Amy: My cousin was living with and taking care of my mom near the end of my mom's life. My mother needed constant care. I was living hundreds of miles away, so this was a good solution at the time.

In 2013, I moved back home to be with my mom for whatever time she had left. I soon found out that my cousin was taking almost all of my mom's Social Security as a fee for her services. I finally removed my mom from her care, and my mom was happier for it.

Mom died in 2014. I just can't forgive my cousin for the harm she caused and for taking advantage of someone who obviously cared for her.

My problem is that my other cousins and family members still talk to my cousin and treat her like she is part of the family. They say I'm being unreasonable for not forgiving her and letting it go.

Am I wrong for not wanting to forgive her for what she did?

Amy says: From the tone of your question, it seems that this allegation against your cousin has not been disputed. Nor has your cousin acknowledged, explained, apologized or asked for your forgiveness.

You don't mention what the financial arrangement was with your cousin. I assume that it was not contractual, but more of a casual arrangement between family members. See if you can learn exactly what sort of deal they struck.

In my opinion, "moving on" would be you accepting that you cannot control these other family members. You cannot insist that they cut out this cousin. But they don't have the right to judge you for your residual anger.

Dear Amy: A group of neighbors with a similar medical condition gathers in a formal monthly setting. Members share their personal concerns and receive support.

However, one member in particular responds with lectures about medical research. Others have expressed concern that she takes over the meetings.

Someone suggested timing individual responses, but this feels too structured. Is there a way to make the point to the offender privately without causing bad feelings?

Amy says: Ideally, if your group had a coordinator, that person could redirect the meetings once they got derailed. But in this case, it sounds like it's up to you to say something.

Tell her, "I appreciate the amount of research you do, but I hope you agree with me that it's also important that everyone be heard and emotionally supported. I believe that you tend to dominate the meetings, and it's frustrating."

Dear Amy: Why the hullabaloo about keeping photos of an ex?

A recent letter writer said his current wife was demanding he get rid of pictures of his first wife. Why? If he's obsessing about these photos, I could understand. Otherwise it's completely benign. It's his past, his memories.

My husband offered to get rid of his ex's photos, and I told him no. She was a part of his life, and I don't feel I'm in competition with her.

Amy says: I agree with you, but I also think that If these photos cause distress, he should consider his wife's feelings.