Ask Amy: Boyfriend’s debt is a major red flag

Dear Amy: I am a divorced mom in my early 30s, with primary custody of my 8-year-old child. I have been dating “Ben” for two years. He is a great guy, and he is very good with my son.

We have been talking about getting married. He has never been married before, and I am gun-shy. I own my home, my son is happy, and I am trying to be extremely careful about our future.

Last week Ben took me out for a drink. He said he had something important to tell me. He confessed that he is almost $20,000 in debt. He said he is trying hard to clear his debt, but he isn’t making much progress.

I have a stable and successful career. I am extremely financially responsible and have started saving for my son’s college education. Ben seems under-employed. He is a relaxed, fun person. He said the debt came from purchasing a car and more recently from a ski vacation he went on with some friends.

I feel extremely uncomfortable now. I am wondering if Ben expects me to clear his debt by using my son’s college fund or some of the equity on my house. He didn’t ask me anything specific and I’m not sure how to feel or how to react to this. What do you think?

Amy says: Are you prepared to be a parent to Ben as well as to your son? Because his choice to lay this on you without a specific plan of action seems to be a bid for you to take this on.

People who have a lot of consumer debt who continue with their spending will sometimes try to get their problem to go away by simply shifting it to someone else.

Do not marry, comingle your finances or bail him out. He needs to demonstrate a concerted commitment to clear this debt on his own. He is an adult with no people to support. He could clear this in under two years, but it would require that he make some big changes.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a 4-year-old son, and I am pregnant with our second child, due in two months.

Our son has been leaving his room during the night and crawling into bed with us. He has done this periodically for the past year, but now it is almost every night.

I have been taking him back to his room, but it is uncomfortable for me to get in and out of bed. What do you think we should do?

Amy says: Leaving their own bed and climbing in with a parent is a fairly common occurrence for children at this age. Sometimes, they don’t even seem quite awake as their homing device leads them to a parent’s bed.

The most obvious answer is for your husband to take on this nightly task. Otherwise you can do what many parents have done and make a “nest” in your room for him, with a sleeping bag and pillow.

Also use these last weeks of your pregnancy for some extra snuggling with your son. Answer his questions about your pregnancy, understand that he might be anxious, and offer him lots of reassurance and love.