Dear Amy: I am in my mid-20s and have a great relationship with my parents. I live nearby and see them multiple times a week.
They have a large social network of other married couples as friends, many of whom I've known since childhood because they were the parents of my friends, classmates, neighborhood kids, etc.
In the past couple of years, I've started to feel uncomfortable around one of their male friends, "Biff." He has never done or said anything specific, but I can't help but feel an icky vibe when I'm around him.
It's little things, like just leaning in too close when he talks to me, holding eye contact too long and "teasing" in a way that if it was coming from a man my age I would perceive as flirting.
My parents are planning a weekend vacation at the end of the summer at an Airbnb. They plan to invite several of their friend-couples, including this man and his wife. I really want to go, but I can't shake this nagging feeling that I will be spending the weekend avoiding him.
I have absolutely no idea how to bring this up to my parents. I don't have any quantifiable examples to give or incidents to cite as to why he makes me feel this way.
I don't want to cause any kind of tension. What do you think I should do?
Amy says: You understand that your folks have the right to invite their friends to join them on their vacation.
You also understand that if any of these people make you uncomfortable, then you could either confront that person or avoid contact by staying away.
It is vital that you listen to your own instincts, even if you lack specific evidence. You should tell your folks that you've decided not to join them. If they ask you why, you should tell them, openly, that you are uncomfortable around Biff.
Your parents might dismiss your concerns in some expected ways: "Oh, he's harmless; he does that to all the lovely ladies," etc. You can remind them that that doesn't make it any less creepy.
Emphasize that you don't wish to control whom they maintain friendships and choose to spend time with. Don't ask them to disinvite this couple. Tell them you understand this is a long-standing friendship, but that this is your personal choice, based on your experiences and instincts.
It's all about him
Dear Amy: I have a friend who has recently decided to invite himself to some social occasions or make requests that other events be rescheduled to accommodate him.
For example, he recently contacted me in the following situation: "I understand you are having dinner with the Browns tomorrow. Do you mind if we join you?" In another instance, I invited him to join a group for lunch, and he asked me to change the date. When I said I could not do that, he asked me to change the time.
This type of situation has come up several times with him. I find this behavior to be presumptuous and rude. Am I being too thin-skinned? How should I handle it?
Amy says: When someone approaches you with an unreasonable request, it helps to keep in mind that anyone can ask anything, as long as they are prepared for an honest answer.
Your friend sounds higher-maintenance than most. Just as he can ask anything of you, so can you ask: "Do you realize that you have a habit of tinkering with my well-laid plans?"
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
