Ask Amy: A 50-year lie needs correcting

Dear Amy: For the past 50 years, I have lied that I was in the military and served in Vietnam. I’m now 71. I want to come clean with my son/family.

I ran away from a bad home at 13 and lived on the streets. It was horrible. I was beaten up and sexually attacked. I tried to commit suicide twice. My self-esteem was so low for many years. It still is.

I was drafted for the Army during the Vietnam War, but didn’t pass the physical. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. So, later, when guys got together and started telling war stories, I joined in with mine. All lies.

I’m so afraid my son and grandson would be so disappointed in me for lying for so long. Also, my health is not that great, and I’m scared that if something happens, my son will go to the VA for help. I don’t want him to find out that way. (I have never used my lie to gain anything from the VA.)

I want them to know the truth but don’t want to lose them or be looked at as a liar and disrespected for the rest of my life. Can you help?

Amy says: I think it’s vital that you understand that the most important respect you can earn is self-respect. The way to gain more respect for yourself is to understand your original motivations for this lie and choose to make things right.

Telling the truth now will be hard to do, but it will liberate you from the burden you’ve been carrying. The truth also will liberate your son from unknowingly perpetuating this lie later on.

The way to have this conversation is to preface it by saying: “This is very hard for me to say. I’m worried about your reaction. I hope you will understand, and I hope you will find a way to forgive me for what I’m about to tell you.”

My own reaction to reading your story is one of understanding and compassion. If you tell the truth with humility and without becoming defensive and you accept the consequences of your disclosure, this act of personal bravery should inspire those who care about you to forgive you and move forward.

Dear Amy: Every year, we host an exchange teacher’s aide from Latin America as part of our child’s elementary school dual language program.

Our current exchange guest is a 22-year-old man who has less means than we do. Nonetheless, he has given us unsolicited gifts. A very kind gesture to be sure, and we thanked him.

The problem: Some are trinkets that we do not want and likely will throw out after he leaves. And others are souvenirs from American cities and theme parks he’s visited, things that I believe would be meaningful mementoes for him to bring home.

Amy says: Even though your motive is kind, I don’t believe there is a polite way to give back these gifts. Doing so would highlight all the wrong things, including the fact that you don’t want these tokens.

Also, please don’t throw these things out. After the teacher’s departure, you could photograph the collection and send him the photo with a letter: “We thought you would enjoy this reminder of all of your adventures!” After that, you could donate these trinkets to Goodwill.