Ask Amy: 10-year-old twins need a new perspective

Dear Amy: I have twin 10-year-olds who are constantly at war. They can't stand it if things are uneven. If one gets more than the other, it turns into World War III.

It's gotten to the point that I use a food scale to make sure they get exactly the same portion of any food I give them.

I know that life's not fair. But I'd like to let them have a little bit of respite before the world shows them how life really is.

But I can't just ignore the fighting. Where do I draw the line?

Amy says: I realize that you mean well, but your desire to give your twins a "respite" from the reality of the world will have the unintended consequence of unleashing two aggressive adolescents who don't have the motivation or ability to control their emotions.

They have trained you to take extraordinary measures to appease them, and your efforts to give them a fairy-tale childhood have resulted in World War III. Not quite what you had in mind.

I suggest that this is really all about you. You are having trouble regulating your own anxieties and feelings. You can work on this by becoming conscious of your physical and emotional reactions when you fear things are going south. Your heart races, your breath quickens. Slow it down, calm yourself and see if you can just let things happen.

Explain to them that they're not toddlers, and you expect them to change their behavior. When they fight, separate them and discipline each. When they are calm, encourage them, listen to them and reassure them that they can handle hard things.

You can, too. Parenting coaching and support from other parents of twins would be extremely helpful.

Dear Amy: I am a woman with three young-adult children. They don't know that my dad is not my biological father. They have known him only as their wonderful grandpa.

I knew my bio-father only in my early childhood. He had no interest in a relationship until it was too late. His last correspondence to me (years ago) was a very nasty, vindictive letter accusing me of throwing him out like garbage.

If my kids did a DNA test, they would discover that the person I call Dad is not my bio dad. Do I need to tell them? I almost feel like it's too late for that.

Holding onto this tightly will make the burden heavier for you. Telling the truth will liberate you, even if doing so creates some confusion or brings up tough conversations.

I see this as a redemptive story about love and acceptance. Your beloved Dad is still your dad. He is still their granddad. That does not change.

Your adult children are old enough to understand that life is complex and full of both pain and promise. You have no doubt experienced both.

What happens next is the life you make for yourself.

Your kids might choose to try to contact your biological father or other newly discovered family members. You should provide any contact information you have for him, do your best to prepare them for any outcome and let this contact happen without interference. Support them throughout.