Hey Buddy:

I feel I can call you buddy because, hey, you visit so often, plus I've seen the neighbor's surveillance video so I know what you look like. You haven't scored much from us, just a few dollars, spare change and our favorite flashlight. You do remind us of what's in our glove box because you toss it in a messy pile. You remind us to lock our cars... but then we forgot that one night.

The neighborhood is on to you. We post your prowlings on our community website. However you remain elusive.

Your shenanigans are getting old. Mostly we are just tired of you. Literally. You see, our dog always barks and lets us know you're there but by the time we turn on the lights and look out the window, you're gone or at least good at hiding. By then we are awake, for at least a couple more hours. 

 I could be wrong but like others I assume you're looking for drug money. Too bad, because you seem like an enterprising fellow who could put his talents to use on more legitimate efforts. I imagine you commit what they call crimes of opportunity because you see no other opportunities. In case you might want to apply for honest work I have summarized your skill set.   

  • Strategic: You know when to strike, always between 2 and 4 in the morning when we are hopefully in our deepest sleep cycle. And except for the occasional alert dog, like ours, no one hears you as go about your systematic checking of car doors.
  • Polite: You never smash or damage our vehicles while working.
  • Math-Oriented: You are aware of statistics, you work on the idea that there will always be a certain number of cars unlocked in spite of our awareness.
  • Efficient: You wear a fanny pack in which to keep your loot, able to ditch it at a moments notice should the cops appear.
  • People-Oriented: You are clever to know that we think you'll move to another neighborhood once you've gone through the block and subsequently let our guard down. And yet you keep returning and shame on us, we get fooled again.

Reporting your pilfering isn't easy. But you probably know that too. Call 311 and they tell you to report it online. To file an online report requires all sorts of vehicle info that takes time to find even though no damage has been done to the vehicle. Calling the cops to report such a small crime feels like wasting their time so we let it slide. Although the cops did go all CSI and dust for fingerprints the first time down the street. They said it was probably kids, but now we know from your video you're older and that's a little disturbing.

If we all lock our cars we'll send you somewhere else and somehow that doesn't feel right either. If you get caught you'll probably be back at it again soon. Petty theft has been going on since the beginning of time still it isn't a good career plan. Maybe you feel there's no alternative. And I don't really have a good answer for you. 

Well I guess that's all I had to say. The maternal side of me worries about you. I do hope you get clean, get better or get a job with better hours. 

And hey, since everyone knows your schedule, you should probably be more careful, most of us Linden Hills people are pretty peaceful, old hippy types, but I bet the odds are ( and you are a student of odds), someone might be packing heat. 


 Yawning in Linden Hills



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