Turkey of the year 2007: Charlie Weis

  • Updated: November 21, 2012 - 8:16 PM

The war continues in Afghanistan and Iraq with no end in sight. Surveys show the American public is depressed over job security and the ongoing attack on benefits. Canadians are making jokes about the value of our dollar.

Against this depressing backdrop, the Turkey Committee also has suffered significant setbacks in its talent pool over the past 12 months.

Dan Monson, the failed men's basketball coach at Minnesota, resigned early in the 2006-07 season and was allowed to sneak away to Long Beach State without ever claiming the Grand Turkey.

Terry Ryan, the Twins' general manager, put himself in position to take home the golden gobbler with his most ineffective season at the helm of the local ballclub. Then he stepped down in September, thus eliminating the possibility that the rewarding of a Grand Turkey could serve its real purpose:

To have the winners look inward at their errant ways and set a course of action that will allow them to perform better.

There was other Turkeydom attrition:
 
The Timberwolves' purge included getting rid of three major knotheads in Troy Hudson, Ricky Davis and Mark Blount. The Wild dumped Manny Fernandez, ending the chance that his foul mood as a backup goalie could have become fowl-winning.

Also on the hockey front, coach Laura Halldorson was on the cusp of the impossible - turning the Gophers women's team into a mediocrity - before she had the good taste to resign.
The VIPs Turkey Committee members responded to these losses by pecking through the debris to come up with a list of banquet invitees that we can only hope the audience finds succulent. Introducing the 2007 Turkeys:

- The Piranhas. The way the 2007 season went for lead Piranha Nick Punto, Jason Bartlett should be thankful Nick didn't panic while that commercial was being filmed in the fish tank, grab on for dear life and drown both of them. After the miracle of 2006, it was basically a lousy year for the Twins' slap hitters, including a guest Piranha, Joe (Big Slappy) Mauer.

- Nick Saban. Here's proof that it's never too late to get a Turkey invitation. The Alabama football coach was a fringe candidate after his bailout on the Dolphins, but comparing last Saturday's loss to Louisiana Monroe to Pearl Harbor and 9/11 gets Nick his place at the table.

- Troy Williamson. A grandmother's funeral is not a legitimate excuse for a nine-day absence for a professional athlete. The Vikings' mistake was not sticking to the original decision to withhold Williamson's weekly check.

- Bill Lester. Nice guy, this Bill, but as the long-serving executive director of the Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission, he has interjected no common sense into the conversation for a new Vikings stadium. Asked how his group could be pitching such an obscenely expensive vision for a replacement Dome, Lester said, "This is what the Vikings would agree to." Next time Lester and the commissioners get together with Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, they ought to sing him the chorus of "You Can't Always Get What You Want."

- Johnnie Morton. The former NFL receiver received considerable attention before his mixed martial arts debut in June. He was knocked out in 38 seconds. Then, five days later, Morton was suspended when steroids showed up in his pre-fight drug test. Would you expect anything more from an ex-Detroit Lion?

- Dale Earnhardt Jr. The most overrated sports hero in America left his stepmother's racing team in high class fashion, trying to crash every No. 8 she owned before moving to Hendrick Motorsports, the Yankees of racing, in 2008.

- Derek Boogaard. He runs a summer fight camp for hockey players, makes more threats toward opponents than the Russian mafia, and then whines that the referees look at him more closely than other players during his three 30-second shifts a night for the Wild.

- Marion Jones and Barry Bonds. Perhaps Jones can convince Bonds that confession is good for the soul as they sit together at today's feast.

- Gerald Poindexter. This is the county attorney in Virginia who figures that going to federal prison on charges of dogfighting wouldn't be enough punishment for Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick.
Poin-dexter decided what justice demanded was some good old Dixie double jeopardy.

- Eric Decker. What a season it was for our beloved rodents: Even the Gophers' best football player finishes in indignity by punching a Wisconsin defender in the groin.

- Don Lucia. He was the first runner-up last year, for guiding his Gophers hockey team to the most embarrassing postseason loss (Holy Cross, 4-3 in overtime) in the history of Minnesota sports. Certainly, the Don deserves another table setting today for having his choice of recruits and winding up with the lowest graduation rate in Division I hockey. A reminder: Early pro signees don't count against the graduation rate, unless they are not in good academic standing when they leave school.

- Brandon Smith. This young basketballer was thrown off his Minneapolis Henry team as a senior, suspended at Minnesota by interim coach Jim Molinari and tossed off the Gophers permanently before this season by new coach Tubby Smith. And now Brandon is looking for another school in order to hit the very difficult superfecta of disgruntled coaches.

Chairman rulings

We now require this announcement before getting to the big honor: The Chairman has taken the unusual action of granting a pardon to a pair of choice turkeys.

The hand-spitting, handshaking Little Leaguers from Coon Rapids were on the tentative guest list, but an executive decision was made to acknowledge adolescent  stupidity and keep the lads off the chopping block.

In another break with tradition, the Turkey Chairman decided not to honor a runner-up at today's banquet. That's because the winner so quickly established himself as a Turkeydom powerhouse that there was no major challenger.

This man swept in from an NFL assistant's job and shot off his mouth as if he were the second coming of Bobby Bowden. He talked of reviving a proud football tradition and winning championships, and then in 2007 produced more losses than in any season in this great school's history.

The Chairman was particularly offended by this blowhard, since he had been raised in a home where rooting for this team was as much of a Saturday ritual in the fall as pursuing ringnecks.
There's no big surprise here: The 2007 Turkey of the Year is Charlie Weis of Notre Dame.

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New England
Cleveland 12:00 PM
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Dallas 12:00 PM
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Indianapolis 12:00 PM
Tennessee
Jacksonville 12:00 PM
Houston
San Diego 12:00 PM
Kansas City
NY Jets 12:00 PM
Miami
Chicago 12:00 PM
Minnesota
Philadelphia 12:00 PM
NY Giants
New Orleans 12:00 PM
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Carolina 3:25 PM
Atlanta
Detroit 3:25 PM
Green Bay
Oakland 3:25 PM
Denver
Arizona 3:25 PM
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Seattle
Cincinnati 7:30 PM
Pittsburgh
TBA 1/3/15 2:00 AM
TBA
TBA 1/3/15 2:00 AM
TBA
Toronto 110 FINAL
LA Clippers 98
Boston 88 FINAL
Washington 101
Orlando 102 FINAL
Charlotte 94
Memphis 103 FINAL
Miami 95
Indiana 110 FINAL
Brooklyn 85
New Orleans 100 FINAL
Chicago 107
Atlanta 90 FINAL
Milwaukee 85
Philadelphia 71 FINAL
Utah 88
New York 129 FINAL
Sacramento 135
Minnesota 97 FINAL
Golden State 110
NY Islanders 3 FINAL(SO)
Buffalo 4
Detroit 3 FINAL(OT)
Ottawa 2
Carolina 1 FINAL
Tampa Bay 2
New Jersey 1 FINAL
NY Rangers 3
Boston 2 FINAL
Columbus 6
Winnipeg 4 FINAL(OT)
Minnesota 3
Washington 3 FINAL
Pittsburgh 0
Dallas 4 FINAL
St. Louis 3
Philadelphia 1 FINAL
Nashville 4
Anaheim 1 FINAL(SO)
Arizona 2
Chicago 5 FINAL
Colorado 2
Edmonton 1 FINAL
Calgary 4
San Jose 1 FINAL
Los Angeles 3
Indiana 87 FINAL
Georgetown 91
Maine 43 FINAL
Seton Hall 72
UNC-Wilmington 82 FINAL
Minnesota 108
Georgia State 61 FINAL
Green Bay 78
Jacksonville St 61 FINAL
Jacksonville 75
Kentucky 58 FINAL
Louisville 50
Northern Ky 55 FINAL
Northwestern 76
UAB 58 FINAL
North Carolina 89
IUPUI 55 FINAL
Pepperdine 53
Santa Clara 60 FINAL
St Marys-CA 73
Oakland 56 FINAL
Maryland 72
Gonzaga 87 FINAL
BYU 80
Mercer 77 FINAL
Georgia 86
San Francisco 77 FINAL
Pacific 71
Wright State 55 FINAL
Ohio State 100
Presbyterian 65 FINAL
Virginia Tech 87
Brescia 42 FINAL
Western Ky 89
Tennessee St 46 FINAL
Tennessee 67
Kennesaw St 45 FINAL
Illinois 93
Colorado State 58 FINAL
New Mexico St 57
Portland 61 FINAL
San Diego 58
Wayland Baptist 63 FINAL
Utah State 75
Bristol University 59 FINAL
Weber State 109
Sacramento St 74 FINAL
Utah Valley U 49
Southern Utah 45 FINAL
UNLV 79
SD Christian 50 FINAL
San Diego St 72
Illinois 18 FINAL
Louisiana Tech 35
Rutgers 40 FINAL
North Carolina 21
NC State 34 FINAL
UCF 27
Cincinnati 17 FINAL
Virginia Tech 33
(15) Arizona State 36 FINAL
Duke 31
Miami-Florida 21 FINAL
So Carolina 24
Boston College 30 FINAL
Penn State 31
(25) Nebraska 42 FINAL
(24) USC 45
Texas A&M 12/29/14 1:00 PM
West Virginia
Oklahoma 12/29/14 4:30 PM
(18) Clemson
Arkansas 12/29/14 8:00 PM
Texas
Notre Dame 12/30/14 2:00 PM
(22) LSU
(13) Georgia 12/30/14 5:45 PM
(20) Louisville
Maryland 12/30/14 9:00 PM
Stanford
(9) Ole Miss 12/31/14 11:30 AM
(6) TCU
(21) Boise State 12/31/14 3:00 PM
(12) Arizona
(8) Miss State 12/31/14 7:00 PM
(10) Georgia Tech
(19) Auburn 1/1/15 11:00 AM
(17) Wisconsin
(7) Michigan State 1/1/15 11:30 AM
(4) Baylor
(16) Missouri 1/1/15 12:00 PM
Minnesota
(2) Florida State 1/1/15 4:00 PM
(3) Oregon
(5) Ohio State 1/1/15 7:30 PM
(1) Alabama
Houston 1/2/15 11:00 AM
Pittsburgh
Iowa 1/2/15 2:20 PM
Tennessee
(11) Kansas State 1/2/15 5:45 PM
(14) UCLA
Washington 1/2/15 9:15 PM
Oklahoma State
East Carolina 1/3/15 11:00 AM
Florida
SMU 45 FINAL
(2) Connecticut 96
UCF 64 FINAL
Houston 50
BYU 62 FINAL
Gonzaga 78
Pacific 92 FINAL
San Francisco 54
St Marys-CA 62 FINAL
Santa Clara 61
San Diego 87 FINAL
Portland 65

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