Clearance Clarence: On the Vikings, whiskey and the future

  • Blog Post by: Michael Rand
  • January 12, 2010 - 2:37 PM

Welcome to another installment of Clearance Clarence, the popular Internet-based newspaper blog report from commenter Clarence Swamptown. As usual, his views on Drew Pearson don't necessarily reflect those of the Star Tribune or the general RandBall community. Clarence?

I like to eavesdrop on the Randballer’s Twitter List to find my favorite Randballer Tweet of the Week.  This week’s winner is @darlosity, regarding the BCS Championship game and Texas' baby-faced quarterback: "The only reason I'm watching this stupid bowl game is cuz I want to see the TX backup QB cry."


* Are you looking for one single focal point for harnessing your Dallas Cowboys hatred?   Forget Hershel Walker.  Forget Drew Pearson (even though HE DID PUSH OFF AND I DON’T REALLY CARE WHAT YOU SAY).  Forget Norm Green.  Are you looking for somebody who will actually play in the game on Sunday? Let’s focus on Keith Brooking.  He does one of those Ray Lewis/Drew Brees-like inspirational speeches before every Cowboys game.  Those speeches are stupid.  He also played for Atlanta during the 1999 NFC Championship game.  Let’s focus on that guy.

* You know who else is stupid?  Nostradamus.  The actual greatest prophet in the history of the universe was the guy who created this 1940’s advertising campaign for whiskey.   He predicted videoconferencing, 3-D movies, cell phones, fax machines, and sports bars.  A picture of the Sports Bar of the Future is shown below.   (Apparently in the future all sports bars kind of look like Nye’s Polonaise with better lighting.   Men still dress like Don Draper.   Everyone drinks whiskey.   Goalies hold their stick with two hands and do not wear helmets even though the net is six feet tall.  Hockey  dominates EVERY television and not just the small TV in the corner.  The future rocks.)  To recap:  darlosity: funny.  Keith Brooking: stupid.  Nostradamus: stupid.  1940’s Whiskey Advertising Guy: awesome.

* Randballers, please provide your prediction for the Vikings came in the comments below.  No wishy-washy fence sitting.  Please provide the exact score and the reasoning for your prediction. Whoever is closest, I will buy the winner a VO highball at a Redactular some day in the future.  That's you and me in the picture.  I am the dashing gentleman to the left.  You are the gray-haired guy with the pocket square.  We are undoubtedly talking about IPO's, cigarettes, and the busty secretaries we would romance if women were allowed into the Sports Bar of the Future.   All bars in Chanhassen look like this.    

* Vikings 31, Dallas 30 on a last second 48-yard field goal.

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