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Ask Amy: Grandma struggles to connect with grandson

  • Article by: AMY DICKINSON
  • February 24, 2014 - 2:51 PM

Dear Readers: I’m stepping away from the “Ask Amy” column for a week. Please enjoy these hand-picked “best of” columns in my absence.

Dear Amy: I am a 65-year-old widowed grandmother living in New York City. Frequently a male companion and I visit my daughter, son-in-law and their son, “Jeb,” on Long Island. The boy is 5 years old.

Never do I get a kiss from Jeb, and only on his parents’ urging do I get a desultory, fleeting hug, whereas my companion is welcomed with smiles, kisses and high-fives. In every situation he is favored over me. My companion has offered to stay away, so Jeb won’t be distracted. Please advise.

Amy says: No creature is more mercurial, prickly and sensitive than a 5-year-old is, and 5-year-old boys are famously female-averse.

I’m concerned that you are taking his behavior personally when it is so normal. Please don’t remove your male friend from the scene — it wouldn’t achieve what you wish and would be confusing for everyone.

I spoke with Dr. Lillian Carson, author of “The Essential Grandparent” (essentialgrand parent.com), who says you should find creative ways to connect with him. You should try to establish a relationship with him more on his terms.

Carson suggests that you ask “Jeb” what toys or games he enjoys and get him to take you on a tour of his room, showing you his favorite things so you can interact.

Send him things in the mail — nothing big, but postcards or an envelope with some fun stickers inside will let him know that you are thinking of him even when you’re not around.

Please remember that relationships take time and that no one likes to be forced to hug or kiss someone.

Making friends, at 87

Dear Amy: In your column you occasionally refer to the “basics of having a relationship.” But what are these basics? I’m 87 years young, and I’m attempting to find friends after my wife of 61 years died over a year ago. I live in a small town, and there are probably many people who are as dumb about relationships as I am.

Amy says: I think we’re all pretty dumb about relationships, but friendships and relationships can grow — with some practice.

A daily trip to the library or your local diner, regular attendance at a house of worship or involvement with a seniors club will help put you together with people who are happy to see you. That’s where relationships start. They start with a nod and a smile and a tiny little conversation. Those little conversations take root, and friendships grow from them.

Joke wearing thin

Dear Amy: My father has a habit I find annoying. He says I’m lacking a sense of humor. Whenever he is introduced to a woman, he turns to me and says, “Watch me make her feel good,” then tells her, “You’ve lost weight.” He is quite elderly. I’m afraid that when he makes these comments, people will think he’s senile or take offense.

Should I continue to try to get him to stop this, or am I truly lacking a sense of humor?

Amy says: You are both right. Your father’s comment isn’t funny, but then you’re not handling it with a good sense of humor.

If a man made that remark to me, honestly I wouldn’t be offended, but I wouldn’t think it was funny, either.

I think you should good-naturedly say to him, “Dad, I think you need a new act. Even Buddy Hackett occasionally used new material!”

Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com.

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