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Ask Amy: Girlfriend is bad news

  • Article by: AMY DICKINSON
  • May 13, 2013 - 12:41 PM

Dear Amy: I started dating a woman in July of last year. After a month of seeing each other, she was still having trouble detaching from her former romantic partners. I told her to wait until she was ready to date me. After almost a month, she asked me to start a relationship. It was great until we found out that she was pregnant. She terminated the pregnancy, and we continued to date.

At Christmas she informed me that she had cheated on me numerous times with both of her ex-boyfriends. I was heartbroken but in love. I forgave her under the condition that she stop communicating with them. About a month later, she told me she couldn’t handle not talking to them but promised they were just friends.

For three months I thought we were in an exclusive relationship, but two days ago she said that we were just “friends with benefits” and that she has feelings for someone else.

Should I listen to my heart and wait for her to realize that what we had was important? Or should I walk away and come to terms with the fact that she just doesn’t want me in her life? Please help.

Amy says: The relationship I’m most concerned about — and the one you should pay the most attention to — is the one you have with yourself.

Your erstwhile girlfriend is a one-woman relationship wrecking ball. She is chronically unable to commit to anyone, and your efforts to control her do not work.

If listening to your heart means that you will continue to commit to someone who is cruel and depleting, then you must work hard to change this script. Love is not cruel. Someone who loves you will never ask you to compromise your own personal integrity to be in a relationship. My neutral opinion is that you should disassociate completely. Find a thoughtful friend or therapist to discuss this with. Your goal should be to reclaim your own life, love yourself more and love her not at all.

Clashing views

Dear Amy: I support gay equality, but most of the people in my circle are strict fundamentalists. They’re close relatives or family friends, so cutting them out of my life is out of the question. Is there a way to ease my way out of this circle or change their opinions?

Amy says: It is fairly easy to ease your way out of a circle — you simply evolve and change enough that your social circumference grows. You don’t cut your family off, necessarily, but you grow. They can grow along with you or — more likely — stay where they are.

If your family members bring up this particular topic, then you should be ardent and honest in stating your case.

I really don’t like to fight with people I suspect will never change their views. If you share this basic temperament, you need tell yourself only that history will overtake the narrow-minded, as history always does.

Yanking an invitation

Dear Amy: I am getting married in October. A woman I’ve known for a long time but whom I probably wouldn’t have invited to the wedding started dating my groom’s best friend and got invited to my bachelorette party. Recently she broke up with him (and didn’t do it nicely) and e-mailed one of the bridesmaids, asking for details for the party. She no longer will be invited to the wedding — so how do I express that she shouldn’t come to the party?

Amy says: It is rude to issue an invitation and then yank it back. But it is your wedding, and since this invitation was contingent on her relationship, then you have to tell her, plainly, that she will not be included in your wedding celebrations. You should contact her and say, “You were included in our wedding because of your relationship with the groom’s best friend, but now that you are no longer in this relationship, we are moving on with our wedding without you. I’m sorry about this, but it’s the way it is.”

Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com.

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