When freeway entrance-ramp beggars had signs that said NEED CAB FARE TO GET TO MY MORTGAGE CLOSING, you suspected they were handing out mortgages to anyone. When you learned they were folding the cost of cab fare into the loan, you knew it. I swear I saw funeral processions stop at a mortgage office so the fellow in the box could get a grave-equity loan before they planted him.
Now we're all going to pay the price, and you're probably wondering if your bank is secure. Well, as a complete ignoramus on these matters, I can't speak for any local banks, but my gut says we're safe. Why?
None of our local banks has a silly name. The latest bank to collapse into a pile of smoking loans is WaMu. Hmmm. WaMu is not a bank name.
WaMu is a whale name. If you read about J.P. Morgan rescuing WaMu, you imagine a whiskered old plutocrat in a frock coat pushing a gasping mammal back into the tank. (Which is what happened, more or less.) Personally, I think a bank should have First in the name, or National, and should look like a place where Romans sacrificed sheep to Zeus. Or to Ben Bernanke.
We actually had a Second National Bank many years ago -- presumably a place to go for a loan when First National turned you down, or a place that would give you a one-slot toaster for a new account -- but the wave of mergers and rebranding long ago folded such places into FirstNatBanCorp. Northwestern into Wells Fargo. They are fine, as I understand, although I wish the company's symbol wasn't a stagecoach heading off into the prairie with the moneyboxes. It's like that other big bank, Chase. I'd rather not. Stay right where you are, Mr. Drysdale.
Makes you wish that the Weatherball was still up, eh? It would be nice to look up and see the ball glowing green. Meaning: we still have some. White for the color of the banker's knuckles. Red? The line forms to the right -- see you in the morning!
jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/buzz
