The Super Bowl org wants 10,000 locals to be helpful ambassadors for our upcoming event. You can be part of something so big and important that its fame will echo through the ages like the 1937 Bombay Rugby Finals!
There’s an application and a questionnaire. I suspect it’s something like this.
1. Why are there 10,000 ambassadors?
A) That’s how many it takes to blow up the dirigible that takes the aerial pictures.
B) It’s the number of lakes in the state, silly!
C) It’s the commonly accepted number of lakes, but actually the correct number is 11,842, going by the standard definition of a body of water greater than 10 acres, although a 1968 survey put the number at 15,291 lake basins, 3,257 being dry because of climatic variances.
2. Someone asks you where the stadium is. What do you do?
A) Give them a piggyback ride at a fast clip while reciting Sid Hartman anecdotes.
B) Say, “Follow me, I was just heading there myself.” Then walk 2 feet and point up at the large glass building that says U.S. BANK STADIUM and ask them how they managed to find their way off the airplane without getting lost.
3. What is your availability for ambassador duty?
A) Noonish to 1-ish on days it’s above freezing and not snowing, sleeting or otherwise acting like Minnesota in winter.
B) The night. The night, when the shadows gather and evil lurks. The night, when the forces that would prey on the weak emerge from their lairs. I brood on the pain of the night; I resolve to bring dawn to a troubled city. I am Bowlman. Note: If my wife has a late shift, I will have to pick up my kid from indoor soccer, but that shouldn’t go past 9.
C) Put me in a glass box at 7th and Nicollet with a small hammer attached to a metal chain so someone lost at 2 a.m. can break the glass and receive my guidance.
4. What is your preferred mode of compensation?
A) A T-shirt that’s XXXXL because they ran out of my size but I don’t care because my wife will use it while staining a chair six years from now.
B) Full dental coverage for 17 hours. I’ve got this molar that’s been twanging something fierce, so I might have to take PTO for game day.
C) The satisfaction of knowing I represented our state to out-of-towners and let them know Minnesota Nice isn’t just a frivolous marketing gimmick.
It’s a sincere marketing gimmick.