On rare occasions, the Minneapolis Tribune of the early 1900s peeled off its topcoat, loosened its tie and offered readers Onion-esque tales like this. Read it in the voice of one my purported former babysitters, Garrison Keillor, for the full effect.


Man Pours Cream in Sleeve, Instead of Coffee.

He was a big man with a desperado moustache and a weak chin. His napkin was tucked under his collar and he read a newspaper while the waitress brought him breakfast.
Without raising his eyes from the paper, he grabbed the small pitcher of cream by the circumference, in a manner that would not have been permitted at his home table, and inserted it toward him and under his palm to connect with his coffee. The cream, obeying gravity laws, ran gaily down his arm inside his sleeve.
The waitress tittered. The big man grew fiery red and went out hastily, and he didn’t come back.

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May 14, 1956: Elvis Presley plays the Twin Cities

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March 25, 1963: Would you ever run for governor? Garrison Keillor says no