The NFL draft will be held in basements throughout the land this week. These proposals won’t help every franchise, but they will make the world, or at least the league, a better place.
Yes, my picks might stink, but remember — they can’t be as bad as Dimitrius Underwood or Troy Williamson.
My first annual Mocking Draft:
1. Cincinnati: Please trade the pick anywhere for anything. Please don’t bury Joe Burrow in Bengal mediocrity. Send him somewhere more interesting, such as New York. Or Winnipeg.
2. Washington: The NFL grows a conscience and forces the worst franchise in sports to draft a new nickname. Out goes the current racist uttering, in comes something more fitting a place and team associated with pork: the Washington Hogs.
3. Detroit: The Lions get a do-over at head coach, ditching Matt Patricia for someone more competent and less officious. Jim Caldwell? Heck, Tim Brewster?
4. Giants: LSU receiver Justin Jefferson. Big Blue was much more interesting when it had a high-end receiver from LSU on the roster. If Jefferson promises to propose to a kicking net on the sideline, so much the better.
5. Miami: A franchise quarterback, someone like Ryan Tannehill. But how would the Dolphins ever find someone like Ryan Tannehill?
6. San Diego: A move back to the city where the Chargers belong.
7. Carolina: Draft the best pass rusher available. Teddy Bridgewater can succeed in the NFC South, but his odds will improve every time Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Matt Ryan hit the turf.
8. Arizona: White socks and sandals. Larry Fitzgerald Jr. is going to play until he’s 65, so he might as well fit in with all of the other snowbird senior citizens.
9. Jacksonville: Blake Bortles. Just so the jokes on “The Good Place” continue to make sense.
10. Cleveland: Kirk Cousins. He played well for Kevin Stefanski last year, and would benefit from playing in a place where a playoff victory would be considered a miracle.
11. Jets: They already got their best gift: Brady’s departure from the division.
12. Las Vegas: A former Vikings quarterback. Jon Gruden’s previous successes revolved around Rich Gannon and Brad Johnson. Bring back Sage Rosenfels.
13. San Francisco: More games against the Vikings offensive line.
14. Tampa Bay: Highlights of Brady’s six Super Bowl victories with the Patriots. It’s the only chance Bucs fans have of seeing Brady win a title.
15. Denver: Von Miller surviving the coronavirus. Seriously, if Miller can get it, anybody can.
16. Atlanta: Any consolation prize will do for the team that will finish last in the NFC South this year.
17. Dallas: A mute button for Jerry Jones.
18. Miami: A hologram of Prince playing at halftime of the Miami Super Bowl in 2007. Somebody’s got to entertain Dolphins fans.
19. Las Vegas: Debt forgiveness for residents who have lost millions at the casino, or on a ridiculous contract for a wacky, retired football coach.
20. Jacksonville: A new home stadium. In London.
21. Philadelphia: Social distancing for the worst fans in sport: All felons must stay 6 feet away from the stadium.
22. Vikings: One ounce of body fat. Everybody should have at least one, even Danielle Hunter.
23. New England: A PR specialist, so Bill Belichick’s reputation survives the post-Brady collapse.
24. New Orleans: A new stadium, one suitable for playoff games and Super Bowls. The Superdome is … not.
25. Vikings: A straitjacket, to keep Mike Zimmer from overpowering Rick Spielman and taking 12 cornerbacks this week.
26. Miami: Reservations at Don Shula’s Steakhouse in Tampa. It’s one way to get close to a Lombardi Trophy.
27. Seattle: Prescription glasses for NFL fans, so they can see exactly how great Russell Wilson is.
28. Baltimore: A Super Bowl berth, so the Ravens can be rewarded for building an offense around their quarterback instead of vice versa.
29. Tennessee: A Super Bowl berth, so the Titans can be rewarded for picking up a random failed quarterback (Tannehill) and winning with him.
30. Green Bay: Baylor receiver Denzel Mims. Nothing more entertaining than Aaron Rodgers trying to lecture a raw receiver between plays.
31. San Francisco: Any random running back, because the 49ers can win with any random running back.
32. Kansas City: Six feet of bubble wrap, to keep Patrick Mahomes, football’s most important and entertaining player, healthy for 19 games.