Q Help! I'm a control freak and can't delegate because I want things done a certain way, but then I get resentful that I have to do everything myself. How do I break this cycle? - MICHELLE
A Michelle, you need to teach yourself that there is more than one way to do things, trust others, and decide where and how you can compromise.
The inner game To get different results, you'll have to be willing to change. So, how ready are you to step away from this pattern? Do the costs outweigh the benefits? If not, consider the rewards of being in control: You can feel like you're right and that you're needed without the discomfort that comes with changing.
On the negative side, you're apt to burn out and feel the resentment that you've expressed above. Being in control also limits your opportunities to grow, and could limit your upward mobility within your company.
Understand your pattern by listing the specific aspects of life that you seek to control. Take, for example, developing a newsletter at work. What's your actual goal? It's to have a well crafted document for you're your audience. It's about the outcome, not the process. Go through your list, identifying your desired outcome. Think broadly -- this may be a pattern that's affecting you at work as well as at home.
Many other people are affected by your control needs. Consider the impact on the people on your team and your family. Not only will their opportunities to learn and develop be limited, you're sending a none-too-subtle message about your lack of confidence in them.
Learn from your successes. Remember times when you've successfully relinquished control and notice the elements that led to that success. Determine what you can bring forward. Then look at times when you've been unsuccessful in your attempts to let go, noticing factors that held you in control mode.
The outer game To get lasting change, start with achievable steps. Pick a project that someone else is willing to take on. Together, agree on the goal of the project. Get as specific as you can. If you don't have enough information to get as concrete as you'd like, plan another meeting once more information is available.
You will undoubtedly want to start down the process path. Avoid the words, "here's what I'd do" and "if it were me." If asked, "How should I start?" try a coaching approach. Ask questions: "What's the first step?" "Then what?" Suggest working backward from the goal to identify all of the steps that will lead to the desired end.
Pay attention to how you're feeling. If you get tense when you want to take over, or have other physical or emotional signs, focus on those feelings and address them rather than reflexively jumping into the project. Remind yourself that your project is in capable hands, and have someone you can go to for support so that you don't try to take over.
Then reward yourself! This is a tough habit to break, so when you have a success, acknowledge it.
The last word Better work gets done when you don't need to control it all -- and you can learn how to let go and let others pitch in.