Dear Amy: My 46-year-old daughter "Janet" has had a difficult time. One of her children was born with a severe illness. It was traumatic for all of us to care for this child during the years that she clung to life. Janet suffered most of all, forced to leave behind a very promising career as she stayed home to give her child round-the-clock nursing care.
My husband and I desperately fought to move the 1,000 miles to be close to them so we could help, but the recession made it impossible for us to sell our house. The best we could do was to make two- and three-week trips every couple of months. We worked on many projects to make their living circumstances better, and helped with their two other children.
Fast-forward 14 years. We were finally able to sell our house in order to move a few miles from them. We were shocked to find out that Janet had told others she hoped we wouldn't relocate near her. She refuses to discuss this with me.
She might worry that we would be too domineering. It is true that we have strong opinions and express them, but we always have respected the decisions Janet and her husband have made.
Although we treat them like the adults they are, apparently, they can't help but feel like the children they used to be. Meanwhile, all the wariness has spilled onto our two grandchildren, denying us closeness. Is there anything to be done?
Ann says: Yes, you can change. If you have been too domineering or opinionated in the past, you should stop being that way, now.
You should develop your own interests and friendships. Attend your grandkids' school events, but don't twist their arms to do things you want them to do. Get to know them on their terms, to whatever extent you can.
Even though you have been very involved in the life of this family, I venture that you really have no idea of what they have been through. Do your best to be a humble, supportive and positive presence.
Send Ask Amy questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribpub.com.
