Dear Amy: My fiancé and I are expecting our first child next month. During a visit three months ago, his mother declared that she would be present for the birth. At that point we hadn't even discussed the baby's delivery, let alone having visitors at home or at the hospital.

We agreed to this, but now I'm stressed over the idea of his large family being with us during those early days. I don't like to be crowded when I'm stressed. I know they want to welcome our daughter into the world and to help out, but I'm not looking forward to it.

I want to breastfeed in private and bond with my baby without people breathing down my neck.

I thought I could compromise by stipulating that adults are welcome, but the young children are not. I told this to an older friend, who said I was being selfish to exclude the children. Am I being selfish?

Amy says: As long as visitors (regardless of their age) are healthy, they don't pose a risk to your newborn. But your physical, mental and emotional health is paramount. And these early days are vital bonding times.

If you have told your mother-in-law that she could be "present for the birth" (I assume not actually in the delivery room), then I suggest that you rescind this immediately. You can say, "As the date gets closer, I'm more aware of what I need, and I definitely need privacy during the early days. Let's FaceTime with you on the delivery day and then schedule a visit for after that, once we've adjusted."

The time when you might need and welcome the most help is when the baby is three or four weeks old. Your partner should work with you to schedule visits and to be a gatekeeper regarding his clan.

Scheduling conflict

Dear Amy: I'm torn between attending a memorial service and a professional conference. I know the memorial service should take precedence, but the service is for someone I barely know.

My husband's family went camping every year with a group of five other families. His parents' generation has continued to stay close, but my husband's generation generally gets together only for big events, like a wedding.

I met his friend only once, briefly, and probably about 10 years ago. His wife has died. Neither my husband or I had ever met her.

If the memorial service were any other time, I would go, but my two-day professional conference is extremely important to me. Because neither my husband nor I are particularly close to the grieving person, can I choose a work event that is really important and not feel guilty?

Amy says: Your husband can pass along your condolences. You could follow up with a note to the grieving husband, expressing your regrets.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.