Dear Amy: My daughter, "Ally," and my husband's sister's children, "Abe and Gretchen," are all teenagers. While my family relocated away from our Midwestern hometown (pre-kids), my sister-in-law's family lives near my in-laws.
They function as a multigenerational family, with the grandparents driving carpools and volunteering at school. Ally and her cousin Abe are two weeks apart in age. Since before their birth, every time I told my MIL something Ally accomplished — crawling, walking, reading, driving, whatever — her reply was the same; "Oh, sure, Abe does that, too," followed by a random, long-winded story about Abe and Gretchen.
Through the years, it has only gotten worse, to the point where we no longer visit them and only speak on birthdays and Christmas.
My in-laws are so engrossed in these kids' lives, they barely seem to notice the lack of contact. Multiple attempts asking them to please stop interrupting us and our child to talk about the other grandchildren have gotten us nowhere.
The stupid part is that all of these kids are successful — Ally has had some unique and wonderful opportunities that she wishes they would be proud of and interested in, or at least shut up long enough to be aware of. Abe and Ally will soon graduate from high school; Ally has asked for our permission not to invite my in-laws to hers.
She wants to avoid a day of nonstop comparisons.
My husband had a wonderful relationship with his grandparents and is hurt and confused by all of this. Is it wrong of us to ask them to stay away?
Amy says: You don't mention ever telling these grandparents how their behavior affects you — only that you decided to cut them off because of their single-minded focus on these other children. And so now — because they haven't had any access to your daughter, they know her even less than before. You also don't mention any conversations your husband might have had with his parents about this.
