Whine all you want, but the surcharges will just keep coming

It's finally happened: Northwest will charge $15 for checked bags. Thirty bucks if you plan on bringing it home again.

You can't blame them. You will, but you shouldn't. The price of fuel is murder on everyone, and there's only so many fuel-economy tricks the airlines can try.

I don't want to read about hyper-miling pilots who've learned to downshift and coast on approach. I don't want to taxi over to Sam's Club for a cheaper top-off before we leave. Fuel is an important, vital part of keeping planes in the air, and few of us would care if they used SuperPremium. But we would mind if they slapped on a six-buck charge because the pilot wanted to run in for a Supermom cookie and a Powerball ticket while the pump was running.

The most immediate effect, aside from wailing and gnashing and kvetching: more carry-on bags. Everyone will drag on a steamer trunk and jam it in the overhead bins.

Or, in the winter, you could just wear everything you plan to use on your trip in six or seven layers. Or fly naked and buy everything when you arrive at your destination, running through the airport holding a newspaper over the naughty parts.

The sensible thing would be to set a weight limit for passengers, and charge them above a certain threshold.

Since I'm on the Munchkin side, along with the rest of my family, I think this is a brilliant idea; we could bring a grand piano on board with our extra weight.

1. Personal entertainment surcharges. American Airlines recently dropped in-flight movies, because most people are staring at their own screens, listening with noise-canceling headphones, instead of squinting at a blurry picture three rows ahead and listening through headphones that make a grand sweeping cinematic score sound like chipmunks yodeling in a well.

Personal movies are one of the few pleasures available to modern air travelers, and as such it's time they do something about it. You will be charged five bucks for bringing your own movie -- six if the film is particularly weighty, such as the "Lord of the Rings," which has so many mountains and caverns and elephants. If the movie contains Hugh Grant, noted for his lightweight charm, you get a dollar credit.

2. This will also extend to books: you will be allowed one breezy mass-market paperback, but anything related to politics or history will cost a dollar extra. You will be allowed one carry-on complex thesis of the nature of American contemporary foreign affairs, provided you have memorized it.

3. No more soft drinks. It's a tremendous weight, what with the carts and the ice and the cans - flight attendants will have a sponge on a stick, and will walk up and down the aisle dipping the sponge into a bucket of water. Two dollars and 37 cents for a good chew on the sponge. Correct change is appreciated.

4. The SkyMall magazine will be dropped, removing at least 938 pounds from each flight. You will have to shop for ultrasonic pet-hair removers elsewhere.

It's a bother, but I'd rather have a bag surcharge than another ticket hike; at least you can see that one. The average ticket already has things like "gate fees" (apparently it was a big surprise to the airports when they started up, and they had to build all these doors to the outside, and, man, they were expensive) and other mystery taxes. At least I can control how many bags I check. And surely the airlines know how consumers will feel, and make it up by refunding the cost if they lose your bag.

(Snort)

(Snicker)

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, that was too good to resist! Seriously, they lost money flying your bag to Alaska. You want them to go bankrupt?