Just in time for Valentine's Day, faculty members in the Music Department at the University of St. Thomas drew back their collective bow and took aim at what they have branded the 10 worst love songs of all time.
"There's nothing sentimental about [the] sentiments of these tunes," the St. Paul university declared in announcing the choices.
Given that all are "deemed equally abominable," the announcement continued, "the songs are listed in a random jumble, like a sack of broken hearts."
Now for St. Thomas' list and comments, as a song-skipping service to readers, should these tunes unexpectedly surface on Spotify or Pandora streams:
"Oh No!" (1970) by Frank Zappa: Mocks the 1960s hippie culture belief that love could change the world.
"Baby, It's Cold Outside" (1944) from the film "Neptune's Daughter": Overtones of date rape make this one of the 10 worst love songs and still prompted a remake by Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga.
"Muskrat Love" (1976) by Captain and Tennille: This offensive ballad chronicles the romance between two anthropomorphic bacon-eating muskrats.
"Feelings" (1974) by Morris Albert: Can there be a worse love song? This one even got spoofed on "The Gong Show"!
"Elvira" (1981) by Dallas Frazier (Oak Ridge Boys): With its catchy refrains of "Giddy Up, Oom Poppa Mow Mow/Heigh-Ho Silver Away," this Oak Ridge Boys song is a spiritual battle between divine and earthly.
"Sign Your Name" (1987) by Terence Trent D'Arby: Unremarkable, one-dimensional, sonically and harmonically fatiguing.
"Lady In Red" (1986) by Chris de Burgh: The song seems to enjoy making a weak man feel better because of the number of other fellas checking out his lady.
"I Honestly Love You" (1974) by Jeff Barry and Peter Allen, sung by Olivia Newton-John: Have you ever looked deeply into your beloved's eyes and said, "I dishonestly love you?" Oh, and if the sung phrase isn't enough to prompt you to cover your ears, just wait until Olivia whispers it.
"Achy Breaky Heart" (1991) by Don Von Tress, sung by Billy Ray Cyrus: This song has everything a maudlin country sob-fest could possibly need: bad grammar, three guitar chords and personified organs, all united by a hefty dose of misty-eyed victimization.
"My Heart Will Go On" (1997) by James Horner, sung by Céline Dion: Near, far, wherever you are, you should send this song to the bottom of the icy Atlantic, along with Jack and that giant plastic necklace.
Paul Walsh • 612-673-4482
