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Ask Amy: 22-year-old guy can't get over failed relationship

  • Article by: AMY DICKINSON
  • June 15, 2013 - 2:00 PM

Dear Amy: Last winter, a girl and I were working our way toward an intimate relationship when she broke it off, badly. She was the first girl that I ever got that close to; it hurt a lot.

I got severely depressed. In a futile effort to try to win her back, I agreed to remain friends with her. Anytime we hang out, however, I’d either give her the cold shoulder or try to get closure as to why she ended things between us. I was texting her often, sometimes angrily, sometimes lightheartedly, in an effort to feel … loved, I suppose.

Now we aren’t friends but are at least friendly to each other. I’m attempting to get back into the group of friends that she and I share, even though I know I’ll see her from time to time. The problem is, being in a small city, everybody knows everybody else, and so I’m always running into someone who knows her or knows someone she dated, and it gets hard sometimes.

I’ve come a long way, but I still have a lot of work to do. She’s always on my mind. I don’t want this. I’ve been trying to get over her by making new friends, attempting to hang out with them as often as possible, and also by trying to get a new girl in my life. Every girl I get interested in ends up being unavailable in some aspect, and it’s getting tiring and frustrating.

Should I focus more on trying to make friends and just enlarging my social circle, or should I try to find a relationship? I feel the relationship will do the best job of taking my mind off of her, because then I’d have someone else to focus on.

Amy says: The worst reason to engage in a new relationship is to get over another failed relationship. The reason your attempts to have relationships with other women are failing is because you are not ready.

Finding another person to obsess over will not fix what ails you. You need to work on yourself, boost your confidence and realize deep down that you have something real to offer to the right person. You should work on your friendships, especially the primary friendship in your life, which is the one you have with yourself. If you continue to ruminate about this failed relationship and find you cannot shake off your depressed feelings, you should pursue counseling.

Way to go, Amy!

Dear Amy: One more note of support for your smack down on the selfish father who complained that his teenagers were receiving checks for only $25 for their birthdays. I was stunned at his letter and very happy you took him to task!

Amy says: Hundreds of readers have responded similarly. Thank you all.

Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com.

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