A recent proposed change to the Minnesota Hooch Code might make you imagine the following conversation.
Legislature: Good news! Someday soon you might be able to buy a drink before 10 a.m. on Sunday!
Citizen: Uh, thanks, I guess, but as someone whose liver has not filed a restraining order, I'd prefer —
Legislature: Yes, bottoms up! You once had to wait for the sound of the church bells to fade before you slumped your way into a dim booze-nook and raised a finger to request a throat-searing ration of whiskey. We're hoping those days are over.
Citizen: I'm more of a "coffee — French toast — read the paper" kinda guy, but I'm sure you've pleased some voters, provided they can make their hands stop shaking long enough to fill out the little oval. Say, as long as we're on the subject, sometimes on a Sunday I wished I could pick up a bottle of red —
Legislature: Red — the color of Bloody Marys. Some restaurants can't serve them early enough on Sundays, so folks get up and drive to Wisconsin. Ever seen the Cocktail Convoy heading east on I-94 on Sunday morning? Practically backed up to St. Paul.
Citizen: Right. But if, say, a grocery store could sell wine —
Legislature (frowning): If you want decent grocery stores to deal with rain-coated winos trying to get a bottle of rotgut while families are buying salads, maybe you'd better rethink that one again.
Citizen: Oh, never mind. So, bars can serve Bloody Marys at 8 a.m.? What if someone wants one at 7?
Legislature: No one needs to augment their tomato juice and celery with alcohol at 7:59. We let that happen, and the next thing you know people will be selling cars on Sunday.
Citizen: But you are considering growler sales at brewpubs on Sunday. So refillable, sloshing jugs of beer on Sunday, but not wane from a liquor store. Vodka drinks at 8:01 a.m. but not a single strong beer at the grocery store on a Sunday evening.
Legislature: Pretty much. Honestly, this mass of confusing, senseless laws is just a training exercise for marijuana legalization. Whaddya think about this — you can't buy it before noon, but you must smoke it by 11 a.m. A whole new demographic to confound!
