Tevlin: Extreme cold turns us into phony tough guys

  • Article by: JON TEVLIN , Star Tribune
  • Updated: January 6, 2014 - 7:28 PM

Wussies.

You know what they called this kind of weather back in my day?

Spring break.

When I was a kid, a Polar Vortex was a brand of snow machine, which we only used when it got to say, twice this cold. Otherwise we walked uphill and backward against the wind both ways to school, which never, ever closed.

News item: Minnesota this week was colder than Antarctica, colder than Mars.

You know what this is? A Nanny State. The liberal politicians (such as New Jersey’s Chris Christie) use a little cool snap to show they are in charge, and tell us what to do. I don’t need to be warned to stay indoors or wear a hat. Leave me alone.

News item: By noon Monday, Regions Hospital’s Intensive Care Unit was full of frostbite victims, and there were a record number of hypothermia cases.

It’s all media hype. Ruling-class television reporters in their North Face gear sell fear while sipping lattes in their electric vans. Newspapers are trying to sell ink and support grant-wasting, ivory-tower climatologists while peddling global warming. It’s cold here, as it’s supposed to be, and it’s 120 in Australia. Ninnies.

News item: Scientists warn that extreme weather patterns in climate, not daily temperature variations, are what is predicted with global warming.

So they closed the schools. What do you expect from the intellectual elites, who want to turn us all into namby-pambies with their fancy “facts” and “research.” The job creators would simply tell their kids to get into the Escalade and get to class.

News item: 3M Corp., a multinational corporation that employs thousands of scientists, tells workers to stay home.

Over in Wisconsin, people are tough, like the old days. Tens of thousands put on some long underwear and went to see a football game. Outdoors. When something as important as football comes along, you don’t let Mother Nature get in the way. You swig some booze and man-up.

News item: Wisconsin corporations pitched in to buy thousands of tickets because some fans put personal safety against “life-threatening weather” before a game. Meanwhile, 13 fans were arrested and 51 evicted, largely for alcohol-related behavior.

I’m a Minnesotan. This weather makes me gleeful. I might walk to the store for a milkshake.

News item: Frostbite occurs when skin and body tissue freeze. That can cause damage to skin, tissues, muscles, nerves and bones.

Or maybe I’ll go to International Falls and sit by the lake. Sissies.

News item: Hundreds of people showed up to raise money for the Duluth woman who could lose parts of her hands and feet after being left on a porch. Every year in Minnesota, several homeless people die due to exposure.

 

jtevlin@startribune.com • 612-673-1702 Follow Jon on Twitter: @jontevlin

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