Hello, KG? Sorry, but we had to make the change. What, you can't tell the difference?
A Star Tribune reporter embedded within the Timberwolves organization filed this report after observing Wolves owner Glen Taylor's side of a phone conversation on Thursday night. Here's the transcript:
"Kevin! Kevin Garnett! So glad I caught you. It's Glen.
"Glen Taylor. Short guy. Nice collection of sweaters. Signed your checks. Used to sit near the team when you were with the Timberwolves.
"The Tim-ber-wolves. Yes, the team you're playing tomorrow night. You don't remember us? C'mon, KG, no amount of therapy wipes out that many memories. Jimmy Rodgers, J.R. Rider, Mike James, Christian "Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser, Winner'' Laettner, Ricky Davis, Bill Blair.
"Still nothing? Maybe this will jog your memory: I'm the guy who hires relatives, golf buddies and cronies. OK, I didn't want to have to play this card, but, here we go -- Kevin McHale.
"Did I say something funny? Are you watching Comedy Central?
"No, I haven't made many big changes since you left. McHale is still my general manager. No, I'm serious.
"Don't worry, I'm developing his successor as we speak. You remember Fred Hoiberg? No, I'm serious.
"My coach? Randy Wittman. No, I'm serious.
"We're getting better, though. Don't believe our record. The nasty local media keep acting like we're 2-8 because we're not very good, but it's a very deceptive 2-8. With a few breaks, a little more luck and a maybe a forfeit by our opponents, we could be 3-7.
"Hey, it's not like I haven't made any significant changes. We installed a new floor, and our new ticket packages include what I like to call "non-obstructed view'' seating. You can sit anywhere in Target Center and you won't have anybody blocking your view of the floor, if you know what I mean. Did I mention we have a new floor?
"KG, I've seen NBA entourages bigger than our crowds. Yes, it's sad. The fans who do show up are so quiet, you can hear Flip in the back row yelling 'Noonan!' when we're shooting free throws.
"Listen, I want to congratulate you on your championship. I know there have been hard feelings between us, but I cried when you won the title last year. Oh, I cried.
"Who knew, when we got sick of Sam Cassell's money-grubbing and Latrell Sprewell's money-grubbing-on-steroids, that the Garnett-Cassell-Sprewell era would constitute our high-water mark as a franchise?
"We thought we were going to get better. Then we started bringing in guys like Ricky Davis, Mark Blount, Mike James. KG? You still there?
"We never realized that if you take one NBA star like yourself and add a couple more NBA stars -- maybe, oh, Brandon Roy or Josh Howard or Ray Allen -- you might be able to keep selling tickets, maybe even playoff tickets.
"Listen, I'm sorry we had to trade you, but things weren't going to get better here with or without you, and we still have hopes that the trade will wind up looking OK. No, I'm serious.
"Al Jefferson is a dominant low-post player, Ryan Gomes and Telfair are worthwhile role players, and we have high hopes that trading O.J. Mayo for a couple of white guys will work out. No, I'm serious.
"Really, we spend most of our time correcting our mistakes. Our best trades have been the ones that got rid of guys like Davis, Blount, Antoine Walker and Marko Jaric. Yes, I said Marko Jaric.
"You OK? I haven't heard anyone retch like that since the last time Mark Madsen shot a free throw.
"Yup, we still have Madsen, but we've upgraded athletically by bringing in Brian Cardinal. No, I'm serious.
"Anyway, KG, I wanted to welcome you back to Target Center. If you want to bring any friends tonight, I can hook you up with tickets. Thousands and thousands of tickets.
"Stay warm, and remember to take off that ring before you start dunking on our starting center, Jason Collins. No, I'm serious.''
Jim Souhan can be heard Sundays from 10 a.m.-noon on AM-1500 KSTP. • firstname.lastname@example.org