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Next, you count up all the people in the orchestra and you winnow out the deadwood. Start with your violins. Seriously, there’s actually a group called second violins? Unnecessary duplication.
Same for the violas; if they wanted to be taken seriously, they’d be violins.
Whoever bangs on the timpani can hock those whack-sticks and use his fists. Likewise, cymbals: two of them? Can’t see why one wouldn’t do.
As for a conductor, there are probably plenty of people who could wave their arms and get everyone excited. If you’re going to have a cheerleader, why not get someone from the Vikings squad?
Beethoven would be a lot more fun to watch with pompoms, and she’d face the audience, too.
Conductors just turn their back on us, like they’re too good or something.
Hey, you know what would be funny? If someone put a “KICK ME” sign on the conductor’s back just before he went out there. That’d be hilarious.
Of course, it’d be a joke. No one would kick a famous conductor.
Other than the time we just did, I mean.
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