You can expect to read this story in a few years:

Block E gets new tenant "Long-struggling Block E, the Hennepin Avenue retail and entertainment complex that has long been plagued by newspaper articles describing it as 'long-struggling,' announced today that a black hole has agreed to occupy most of the empty space in the long-struggling complex.

"We're turning the corner with this tenant," said the building's manager, "and I think it's fair to say you can call us short-struggling for a while."

This marks the first entry of a black hole into the retail sector, which has struggled in recent years to keep people spending money they don't have. It is unclear what the black hole will do, since the cosmological entities consist of collapsed stars so dense they emit no light.

"We think that gives it an air of mystery," the manager said.

"Retail observers note that black holes are characterized by an 'event horizon,' a point where objects or consumers who enter the gravitational well appear to be stuck in place forever, and this will give the impression of a crowd eager to patronize Block E.

"Previous plans to convert Block E into a terrorist holding cell, announced last year after the closure of Guantanamo Facility, fell through after the suspects complained, 'There is nothing to do there.' "

A year later:

Scientists confounded as black hole files Chapter 7, disappears But I'm being cruel to Block E. It has its merits; Kieran's should do nicely. But this week's announcement that GameWorks will vacate two floors is another blow to the complex. Hooter's is behind on their rent -- and if you can't make money running a Hooter's across from a basketball stadium, something's amiss. Borders died. The drugstore expired. The big Italian restaurant: arrivederci. If we could do it again without changing anything, would we?

Well, no. I went there the other afternoon to see what was going on. This took about six minutes. For a big block-wide joint the interior spaces are quite small; you don't get the sense you're inside the Throbbing Nexus of downtown's entertainment district. It could be Anymall, USA, and -- hold on, what's that over there? Customers! Let's go talk to them!

"I like coming here for ice cream because there isn't a place for ice cream in our building?" said one nice young lady. This is absolutely true, but A) not a reason to spend $39 million in taxpayer money, and B) if her building was City Center, that was another failed indoor shopping complex.

Asked if she ever goes to the movies upstairs, she said, "I work." There's the problem: In the old days, people took the trolley downtown, shopped, saw a matinee, had a malted at Bridgemans across the street and went home. Now they go to the 'burbs. The only possible reason to see a movie downtown is that you really, really want some time alone. And you want to pay for parking.

Can we rid ourselves of this beast? We did that with the Conservatory mall, and a good thing, too -- that place would be Tumbleweed Central by now. No, we have to believe. We have to cheer the hardy settlers who brave famine and drought in the hopes people will stream out of Target Field, thinking, "Let's walk past all these funky interesting cafes in old, historic buildings and see if we can find some enormous pre-fab block stuffed with chain restaurants."

But someday we'll face the fact that this misbegotten gimcrack lummox was the absolute wrong thing for the wrong place and the wrong time, and down it will go. Put up some low-slung buildings, rent them cheap, add a park for summertime seating and you have the Urban Experience all the suburbs are trying to recapture with new faux-downtown developments. Minneapolis has a real downtown, and it built a faux mall.

It was always a rowdy block, to be honest -- porn hubs on either end, drunk-shops in the middle. I have postcard pictures of the block from early 20th century, and even then it looks like it deserves the raze-and-pave treatment. Maybe the block's cursed, in which case it should be demolished.

Use the rubble to fill potholes. Expensive, yes, but lessons usually are.

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/blogs/lileks