Lileks: Bothered by airplane noise? Try writing a letter

It was after midnight, and I was watching TV with the headphones on, trying to finish the latest "Avengers" movie before the next one comes out. The action was nonstop, and the sounds of carnage deafening, but because I have been married for 30 years, I heard the creak of the steps that said my wife was coming downstairs.

Married men know the drill: Where am I wrong, and how quickly can I not be wrong anymore? Imagine my relief when she wearily made a simple request:

"Could we do something about the planes?"

"I think you had a dream where I am the head of the FAA," I replied.

"They're not stopping. It's one after the other, and it's after midnight. They're not supposed to do that. There's a curfew."

"What do you want me to do? I can order a bazooka from Amazon, but it'll take a while, and they'd probably trace it to us."

"Complain," she demanded. "Write an angry e-mail."

I said I would write a letter if she wanted, but let's be serious, what are they going to do? Someone in public relations is rousted out of bed because their e-mail app is set to go off like a tornado siren?

"Dear Airport, it is Sunday after midnight, technically Monday I guess, and there are too many planes overhead. Please stop them. Thank you."

What's the guy going to do? Call the control tower? "Hello, Harvey? I just got this e-mail. Have you had any planes tonight?"

"I don't know, Bob, let me check. Anyone seen any planes? You have? That's what I thought they were, too. Yeah, Bob — whoa, here comes another one. Man, it's always something on this job."

"I got a complaint from someone who found themselves living under the approach — mystery how that happens — and they're hearing planes. Isn't there a curfew?"

"Yes, MSP, we were meaning to call you. Nice to hear from you. Over."

"We have a citizen who says the planes are coming in and wonders if you could divert to Indianapolis. Over."

"That's a negative. We have three engines flamed out and are running on just one. Over."

"Understood, but could you throttle back your one remaining engine, because it's possible this citizen has a meeting early in the morning. Over."

"Roger that, MSP. Switching to glide, requesting passengers keep the screams down."